While You Were Googling “Screech + Sex Tape”

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  • Jessica Simpson’s dad, Joe, wants to “beat the crap” out of Bam Magera for bragging that he slept with Jessica.. Because nobody is allowed to talk about having sex with his daughters but him, dammit!
  • Charlie Sheen is set to become TV’s highest-paid sitcom star for his role on Two And A Half Men. Friends, family, and local L.A. whores are incredibly excited about the news.
  • Analysts estimate that MySpace could be worth $15 billion within three years. Suddenly Tom just got a little more attractive, didn’t he ladies?
  • Rod Stewart has vowed to get a vascectomy after he fathers one more child. No joke here; just included it because we wanted you to think of a 107-year-old Rod Stewart having sex. You’re welcome.
  • Pete Doherty, who has vowed to stay clean for girlfriend Kate Moss, was spotted shopping for syringes just 15 hours after leaving rehab. When confronted he responded, “I meant to say I’ll keep my syringes clean for Kate. It’s a start.”