Last week, it was announced that the public would have the chance to vote for the new 7 Wonders of the World. Apparently the Colossus of Rhodes isn’t what it used to be, so organizers have narrowed down the modern wonders of the world to 21 finalists, and in about 4 months, will tally up the results and announce the 7 Modern Wonders of the World.
But what if the world could choose the 7 Wonders of the Celebrity World? What strange and mystical celebrity body parts or creatures would make the list? So, thought we would take on the task and put together the list ourselves. Hence, BWE is proud to present:
7. Keira Knightley’s Chin
Sometimes, while watching any movie featuring Keira Knightley, we’ll momentarily forget that her incredibly jutting and sharp chin is actually attached to a human being rather than starring in the movie itself. At no point is her chin-talking phenomenon worse than in the preview for the movie Domino, with Knightley slicing open the phrase “Moy neem is Domeeno Hahvee, Oy Eem a Bountee Huntah” with her alien-like Brit-jaw practically tearing the silver screen open like a gremlin on the loose. A chin so extraordinary, it even writes its own blog, called, appropriately, The Adventures of Keira Knightley’s Jaw.
6. Jeremy Piven’s Hairline
Think back to a better time, specifically 1994, when an already half-bald Jeremy Piven starred in one of the greatest Re Re Ricardo college flicks of all-time, PCU. He was nebbishy, funny, and on a level of 1 to 10 on the baldness scale, 1 being Patrick Dempsey, and 10 being a freshly buffed Charles Barkley, Piven was about a 6, or “Trump“. And look at him now. His follicles have accepted his plugs and scabbed quite cleanly, he hit the big-time on the douchebag male equiv of Sex and the City, playing vagina-hound Ari Gold on Entourage, and all memories of Bald Piven are now nearly forgotten. But never forget, folks: This is the same man who played George Costanza’s twinnie on Seinfeld. Thankfully, the ass-hair growing out of his head hasn’t prevented him from continuing to take his mother to awards shows. And, to be fair, it is Hollywood… though that doesn’t take away from the magic and mystery that is Piven’s hair.
5. Lindsay Lohan’s Vagina
In between Paris Hilton‘s sex tape and Britney Spears‘ c-scar, one vagina came across our computer screens that could not be ignored. The exposed chasse in question belonged to one “auburn-haired starlet” (as every blind item has so dubbed her) Lindsay Lohan. So, why is this vagina different from all other vajeens? Namely, because it is hot pink, bald and not necessarily anatomically correct. In fact, it looked more like a slow-cooked ham hock than a drug-addicted 19-year-old’s meat couch. We’ll throw her a little bit of credit for her thorough hair-removal, but on second thought, maybe a handful of lady fuzzies would have been just enough to cover up whatever sort of alien business is going on up in that piece. (NSFW pics of this amazing anatomical aberration can be seen here, and more disturbingly so here.)
4. Seal’s Face
The wonderment of Seal‘s scarred face is not news to most. No one was more excited to hear about Seal’s fame than actor Edward James Olmos, who was all too eager to hand over his Most Pocked superlative to the easy-listening crooner. No, what is most surprising about the British born singer is that even with his talent, bod and seemingly sweet personality, a face like that still managed to rope in world class Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum. Just shows you how far a good bicep and hot-as-sh*t British accent will get you these days.
3. Wilmer Valderrama’s Penis
While there is no photographic proof, Wilmer Valderrama‘s penis is the kind of wang legends are made out of. The lispy actor best known as the effeminate neighb on That 70’s Show is an entirely different story when it comes to the Man Meat Department, where his name is filed under “K” for “Kielbas”. His penis is reportedly over 8 inches long — 1/4 as large as the actor himself — and has seen the likes of legendary vadges such as Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and even deflowered the perpetually glowing Mandy Moore (and who can blame her?) Luckily, Wilmer is young, rich and single enough to put his blessed package to fine use, before the syphilis rots his brain and makes his part fall off permanently. You’ll know this has happened when the next earthquake hits LA.
2. Suri Cruise
Those eyes! That hair! Those parents! Suri Cruise was the hands down winner in the Most Valuable Baby Race of ’06. Sure, Shiloh Pitt may be the Lord’s savior and all (BO-ring), but no mystery there — by now it’s an understood fact. Suri, on the other hand, was a baby whose sheer presence seemed to be a miracle. For starters, mother Katie Holmes was pregnant for roughly 13 months — it was a miracle the little baby was born without a rhinocerous horn. Then, you have the fact that Tom Cruise may or may not like ladies/be an alien/be sterile. Questions about the baby’s paternity (coughCHRISKLEINcough) became even more pressing when it turned out she was Asian. And the world all but exploded when Tom and Katie refused to reveal tiny Suri’s face to the world for the first few months of her life, leading many to believe that either it was Xenu reincarnated or bi-racial.
Perhaps the above explanation might let you understand why Suri Cruise is easily the Second Wonder of the Celebrity World.
1. Britney Spears’ Bald Head
A recent choice, yes, but no question worthy of being considered THE top Celebrity Wonders of the World. The act itself was inspiring: After checking in and out of a serious rehab facility, Britney Spears did the next best thing by traipsing into a salon surrounded with photogs, grabbing the clippers, and shearing off her stinky skank locks (leaving quite the attractive Mad Max mullet in the back.) Once completely clean-shaven, she then popped in next door to get some lips permanently inked on her ever collapsing body. The following day, when the photos were posted, celebrity gossip seemed to reach the kind of heights sleazy tabloid editors could only dream of. There she was, the Britney we had grown to love and worry over, staring back at us blankly looking like the victim of a Hollywood Holocaust.
But more so than the act of total insanity, the head itself is a wonder to behold. Sure, constant bleaching has led to a couple of patchy parts, but her skull is perfectly shaped, the kind of rounded orb that makes you wonder why this girl isn’t smarter. And even stranger — she actually looked less trashy without her moldylocks, allowing the world once again to see the pretty face they fell in love with when she was only known as Justin Timberlake‘s barely legal tease of a girlfriend. And, lucky for Brit, her bald head completely overtook the image of her c-section scar under the body mutilation fold in our brains.