As Daily Variety is reporting that Mischa Barton‘s next role is starring alongside lesbian Russian pop duo t.A.T.u. in a film loosely based on their lives, we thought it might be fun to take a look back at some of the other completely idiotic movies based at least in part on a popular musician’s persona. Here’s what we came up with:
10. Yellow Submarine – Sorry Beatles fans, but unless you’re a high school student, zonked out of your head on mushrooms, within the approximately ten-minute window of time during which your naive little mind could possibly think a story about “Blue Meanies in Pepperland” is worth two hours of your attention, this movie totally blows.
9. Pure Country – George Strait basically plays himself, and sets out on a journey to find out what country music is all about, but fails to get arrested, spend any time in jail, take drugs or kill a man with his bare hands, so he just goes back to being the crooning puss-wad he was to begin with. The end.
8. Every Gangsta Rap Movie Ever Made That Isn’t 8 Mile – With the surprising exception of the Eminem biopic, pretty much every movie about a young rapper on the streets is just an incoherent collection of pointless violence, a love interest who’s way hotter than anyone you’d ever find in the real projects, and a sh*tty soundtrack consisting of a bunch of tracks that weren’t good enough to make it onto the album that made the person famous to begin with. And Hype Williams probably directed it.
7. Can’t Stop the Music – Steve Guttenberg plays a composer who is desperate to become famous, so he enlists the help of Felipe the Indian, Randy the cowboy, David the construction worker, and several other random people from his neighborhood, then sets about on an epic adventure to save the world – with DISCO! This pseudo-biography of The Village People is pretty much what you’d expect, but somehow even gayer. Also, fun fact: this won the very first Razzie award for Worst Picture. I have no idea why.
6. Moonwalker – This really should have been the world’s first clue that Michael Jackson was totally f*cking nuts and had no business being around children. A bizarre combination of live performance footage, video b-sides and a mind-explodingly insane short film in which Jackson battles Joe Pesci, who is an evil drug dealer with a strange interest in children, by turning himself into some kind of giant dancing robot who gets his power from shooting stars. The funny thing is, in retrospect, this movie is probably one of the less insane things about Michael Jackson’s career.
5. Spice World – This self-reflexive genre-bending look into the life of international pop phenomenon The Spice Girls is the 8 1/2 of movies about retarded girl groups. You should all watch it.
4. Glitter – So Mariah Carey plays this mentally-handicapped woman with epilepsy who wants to be a star and she’s shiny and there’s some romance and blah blah blah. Let’s be honest, I’ve never seen this movie and I’ve never will. This is just what I’m guessing from the looks of the poster.
3. Cool As Ice – Vanilla Ice plays “Johnny”, a badass rapper dude on a motorcycle who comes to this small town and meets this hot-but-dorky chick who’s dad is on the run from the mob or whatever. Actually contains the line, “I’m just…coolin'” which alone is worth the price of picking this bad boy out of your nearest bargain bin. In all seriousness, this is a classic.
2. KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park – Some old mad scientist type who designs creatures for an amusement park goes nuts and creats this evil animatronic Gene Simmons, who terrorizes families and destroys the park, then must be defeated onstage by the real KISS, through the sheer power of their rockage. Even the most die-hard KISS fans seem to have trouble defending them on this one.
1. Disorderlies – Nothing short of an 80’s classic, this is the Fat Boys‘ one and only foray into the world of film, starring in this hilarious tale of dying millionaire whose caretakers are overweight rappers who seem to only care about eating and chicks.
Honorable Mentions: Purple Rain, Crossroads, Xanadu