BWE Exclusive: The Hunt For Brad Pitt

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OK. This might rank as one of the most exciting days here at BWE.tv. About an hour and a half ago, I received word that Brad Pitt was lunching with son Maddox at the esteemed dining establishment known as Mars 2112, or, as I prefer to call it, “The Cavernous Vag” (as its interior is red and gaping.) Within negative 4.2 nanoseconds, I shattered my keyboard over my monitor, grabbed my Dior bindle, exfoliated my bosom for prime autographing material, and bolted for the elevators to catch glimpse of arguably the world’s most famous husband and man, Mr. Angelina Jolie himself, Brad Pitt. Sadly, it seemed a couple of other people had also caught on:

BRAD MAN CLIMBING.JPG

Me, most of my co-workers, and gossip guru David Caplan of Page Sizzler were all on the beat. The paparazzi were in FULL EFFECT, lining the wall alongside the exit with gigantic cameras. Sprinkled in with these folks were regular people like you and me, and this kid, who took a few minutes out of filming the Borat sequel to snap a camera phone photo of his idol.

BRAD ROMANIAN BOY.JPG
Sadly, Corky Bucek was not dining at Mars 2112 at the time, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

AFTER THE JUMP — EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS OF BRAD PITT AND MADDOX! CLICK HERE TO READ!

The crowd was abuzz. Rumor had it that the restaurant wasn’t barring folks from coming inside. And while I personally didn’t want to intrude on some high qual father/son time (I was really there for the circus/stampede brewing outside), one of our esteemed VH1 operatives, Molly Friedman, strangely had no problem paying the Mars 2112 entrance fee, riding on the poor man’s “Back to the Future” simulation of a Mars landing, and seeing Brad Pitt in the flesh. The things we do for a camera phone pic of Brad and Mad playing video games together:

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Not blurry enough for you? How’s this?:

Brad and Pax 21.JPG

Brad is the taller one with the hat. When questioned about Brad’s appearance, she breathed heavily, fainted, arose to a handul of smelling salts, remembered what had just happened, and then refainted. The concensus? He’s drop dead gorgeous. I literally could not wait.

An hour passed, and still no Brad. How much father/son time do these people need? In the interim, Dakota Fanning was seen exiting with her family, and yet the paparazzi paid her no mind:

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Upon further inspection, we realized it was not Dakota, instead a little blonde boy with the uber-trendy Posh Spice haircut.

BRAD DAKOTA 2.JPG

More time went by, and slowly, more and more paparazzi showed up, including the most aerodynamic bag of douche I had ever laid eyes on:

BRAD IDIOT HELMET MAN.JPG

People started getting testy. The sun was hot and unforgiving. One man had the foresight to bring along an umbrella to block out all the nasty UV rays…

BRAD INVISIBLE UMBR MAN.JPG

…Only it was really more of an umm?-brella, as it was just the metal spokes on a stick, minus any sort of weather protecting tarp. Still, we had to admire his creativity!

Minutes later, the paparazzi seemed to circle up and chat… and the next thing we know… they start walking away! WHAT THE HELLLLLL?!?! An hour and a half reapplying my foundation and now he’s not even there anymore? This was bullsh!

Then it hit me: The freight elevator!! They must be using the freight elevevator inside our building that leads down to the restaurant! I know this because every now and again, I’ll see a random underpaid alien walking through our lobby in his waiter attire, headed for the secret escape pod (i.e., the freight elevator)! My friends and I gathered up our stuff (tent, granola, sleeping bags, etc) and ran for the lobby as though we just caught wind that the Beatles were stepping onto American soil for the first time.

Running, panting, to the back of the lobby, I threw myself at the security desk, where a familiar looking guard started laughing at the lot of us. “He left about 15 minutes ago!” said the friendly guard. I then dropped to the cold marble floor, crying like the frightened pre-cog I really am. Slowly, I pulled myself back up to the desk to get some more info.

“Was he handsome? How’d he look?” I begged. Then, another voice, a man’s voice, bellowing from a few feet away. “He was handsome,” said this strange man. “Tall, wearing a hat. Had his son with him.” I liked this man’s style. He spoke to me, both literally and figuratively. “You just missed them, but they seemed to be in a good enough mood.”

So there it is. I missed Brad and son. But it wasn’t a complete loss. Because, instead, I came across another lovely man, the man I was speaking to, who seemed to ease the pain of missing the world’s most famous Hollywood heartthrob. So while I wasn’t able to snap a photo of Brad, I’d like to present you with today’s Brad Pitt replacement:

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Rich, my building’s engineer. He was shy, but a great sport, and I thank him.