The Spice Girls just announced that they’re getting back together and touring again, which (somehow) got us wondering, which is the lamest band reunion of all time?
10. Backstreet Boys (2005)
After a three-year hiatus in which you just couldn’t walk down the street without hearing people ask “when are the Backstreet Boys getting back together??”, the men reunited in 2005 to re-invent popular music with a powerful statement album / disc-shaped piece of poop called Never Gone. They’re still together to this day, though they’re down to four members, meaning their Hazmat-suit-choreographer has had to completely reconfigure their dance routines.
9. The Spice Girls (2007)
Music aside, I didn’t have any conscious complaints a decade ago when five pretty hot British chicks were jumping around in skimpy clothing and yelling strings of Phillip Glass gibberish at music video cameras. That was then. Now, we have the (American but hotter) equivalent with the Pussycat Dolls, and unless the two groups are planned to square off in an Old West-meets-You Got Served- meets-Where The Boys Aren’t kind of kinky lesbian showdown, I see little reason to be excited about the Gals’ recent announcement.
8. A Flock of Seagulls (2003)
Leaning on three hit songs (albeit great ones), Flock of Seagulls sent ripples across the universe when they reunited in 2003 to play the world’s most prestigious gig – the unveiling of the Syracuse A-league soccer team’s name, the “Syracuse Salty Dogs.” How many soccer team mascot-unveilings have the Rolling Stones played at? You can find the answer in my novel, “Why Flock of Seagulls Are Better Than The Rolling Stones In Every Area Where It Matters.”
7. The Eagles (1994)
Can you really say “Hell has frozen over” if it’s something no one gives a sh*t about? Yes, The Eagles reuniting was unexpected, but that’s like saying “Wow, they’re making a sequel to the movie K-PAX?? I never would have expected that!! Hell has truly frozen over!”
6. The Pixies (2003)
Almost a decade after Kim Deal’s stint with The Breeders and Frank Black’s solo fatness, the Pixies announced a comeback tour in 2003, and the sound of the indie world’s collective erection rising was deafening. But with the successful reunion came a fluff single, an Axl Rose-like promise of a new album, and a band that is now just kind of hanging around, tensions aside, and occasionally texts me on Friday nights to ask if anything’s going on.
5. The Police (2007)
Here’s what critics have said about The Police’s current reunion tour: “Unbelievably lame,” “…The mighty Police are totally at sea,” they’re all “half a bar out of sync with each other. Andy is in Idaho,” and, “The mighty Sting momentarily looks like a petulant pansy.” Wait, that wasn’t a critic who said that stuff, it was STEWART COPELAND, THE BAND’S OWN FRICKIN’ DRUMMER. Ouch.
4. The Doors (2002)
Here’s a great idea – take a band whose only bit of intrigue is their lead singer’s tumultuous, unpredictable stage presence and reunite them thirty-one years after his death (also thirty-one years after the band broke up, coincidentally). Any plans to bring the Jimi Hendrix Experience back together? Mitch Mitchell’s got a pretty clear schedule. How about Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention? Or what about Frank Sinatra’s backing orchestra?
3. Sex Pistols (1996)
The Sex Pistols’ influence obviously far outweighs their one-studio-album worth of output, but the surviving members sure did their best to lame-up their legacy when they toured the world for six months in 1996, presumably yelling “You have to realize, this was really shocking when it came out a couple decades ago” before every song. The original members have never officially toured since, but what the hell were they going to play live anyway? All the songs off Never Mind the Bollocks in a different order, with “My Way” thrown in?
2. Van Halen (2006)
It’s awfully fitting that a band so frequently dressed in skintight spandex would end up being such a c*cktease. Van Halen’s planned “No, Really Really For Super Realsies” reunion tour with David Lee Roth was cancelled last year almost as quickly as it was confirmed, likely due to Eddie Van Halen checking into rehab to combat a severe addiction to shredding. And alcohol.
1. The Beatles (1995)
The decades following the Beatles’ demise were fittingly full of record labels doing their best to capitalize on peoples’ neverending love of the Fab Four, but it wasn’t until 1995 that people finally got as close as they’d ever get to a reunion, when ELO’s Jeff Lynne fashioned “new” Beatles songs out of existing demos and the Anthologies broke out, and it was no longer possible to seperate the actual band and their music from years of commercialization and cultural worship. Certainly, the death of John Lennon and more recently of George Harrison were absolute tragedies, but, in some small way, isn’t humanity perhaps a little better off not starving to death over Beatles reunion rumors every year for the rest of eternity?
And does the fact that I’m still holding out for a true Beatles reunion maybe answer that question?