It’s taken me nearly 24 hours of horrible mental and physical acid reflux to fully digest the news that the future host of my favorite gameshow of all-time, The Price is Right, is going to be Drew Carey, a man who, to put it lightly, I strongly dislike. Following the demise of his terrible sit-com, Carey as been grasping for television straws, hosting everything from the abysmal American remake of Whose Line Is It Anyway? to the confusing Power of 10. But THE F**KING PRICE IS RIGHT? Have the executive producers lost. their. miiiiiinds? To put it simply, I can’t stand looking at his face, and will almost surely stop watching the show as a result.
To express my infinite dissatisfaction with the new host of The Price is Right, I’ve compiled this list of 10 People I’d Rather See Host the New Price is Right Instead of Drew Carey:
10. Kathy Griffin. Who else has the balls to tell rowdy frat guys to suck it? Kathy’s the only woman strong enough to suggest changing TPIR catchphrase from “Come on Down” to “Get the f**k over here already, you slow bastard!” Let’s admit it: She’s the best thing on TV this summer. If she doesn’t end up on The View, at least give her a crack at this.
9. Bernie Lomax from Weekend at Bernie’s. Corpse puppet hands down, this guy has got more class and more charisma than Drew Carey could ever dream of. This choice would be made at least 8 times better if Jonathan Silverman was brought along as the puppetmaster, clumsily shoving Bernie’s arm in contestant’s faces to ask where they’re from and if they’ve ever seen a dead body host a gameshow before.
8. Paula Deen. Her enthusiasm for things is infectious, and would no doubt translate to daytime television. And wouldn’t it be entertaining to watch her devour the tubs of Crisco and margarine used in various pricing games, trying her best to grasp the skinny microphone even though her hands are caked with years and years of grease? Oh yeah.
7. Tim Vincent. Hot British guy with loads of hosting experience (including England’s #1 Transsexual Dating Game), Vincent made waves here when he took over for a vacation Viera over at Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. The guy is drop dead to die for handsome, and with the accent… well, let’s just say we don’t think the Barker’s Beauties will be doing that much complaining when Vincent greets them with his revered Plinko baton.
6. Ralph Fiennes. Like Tim Vincent, only older and more serious. This is really a personal preference, but let’s be honest: People would be pretty damn psyched if Ralph Fiennes took over as host of The Price is Right… no? You know he likes to bed blonde woman who are there to serve him, which is like 80 percent of what it takes to get the job done.
5. Lala the Shopping Penguin. He’s a penguin. That can shop. Something tells me if Drew Carey can host a game show, so can Lala. Too bad the “Wheel of Fish” isn’t a real pricing game… Lala would be so good at it!
(ps: Jessica the Human Hippo was a close second.)
4. Michael Clarke Duncan. If only for the fact that whenever an elderly woman would ask him to help her spin the big wheel, he would do it with such a mighty force that it would jump the hinge and kill at least 30 people in the audience.
3. Cat Cake. No matter which picture of cat cake you choose, cat cake would make a MUCH better Price is Right host than Drew Carey. Simple as that. I prefer this one the best — it has the most personality, and icing. Negar is one lucky 16 year old!
2. Whitney Houston. This would be the most amazing gameshow ever. Whitney would not take ess from no one! Taking too long to bid? Whit will crack open the left and right side of your head right open! Plus, we could look forward to a new pricing game, “Digging for Doody Bubbles.”
1. The Lead Singer of Smash Mouth. Would be a better Price is Right host than Drew Carey. He could spend the entire hour singing “Hey Now, You’re an All-Star”, while soft-shoeing his way through the Showcase Showdown, and he would be a more enjoyable host than Drew Carey. And that’s something to think about, America.