Terrence “Face of a Lady” Howard’s Guide To Keeping Your Lady Parts Clean, Covered, and as Far Away From His Penis as Possible

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TERR HOW 2.JPGFor those of you who always had a crush on America’s Next Top Model winner Eva Pigford, but always wished she had a penis and a fake moustache… well, look no further than current Hollywood It Boy Terrence Howard. Our boy Terrance took the time out of his movie-churning-out schedule to talk to the fine people over at Elle Magazine, and the ladies over at Jezebel have been kind enough to transcribe the highlights of the interview. The highlights include, among other things, Howard stating his preference for women with his face, his aversion to toilet paper, and many other things that reek with the hatred of ladyparts. The highlights:

I like women who look like me. Generally, you’re attracted to women who look like you, because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection.

And thankfully, there are probably hundreds, if not hundreds of thousands of women, who look like Terrence Howard. Now, if Michael Clark Duncan had said this, we would wish him the best of luck in his hunt for the perfect tranny. But Terrence is nearly all ladyface! No prob here.

If a relationship is built on sexuality, it won’t last long. Now I’m completely chaste through a relationship unless I get married. I don’t believe in premarital sex. It enabled me to date three or four women at the same time, because as long as I wasn’t having sex with them, I could always just walk away. There were some [past girlfriends] who pushed for sex, and sometimes they won. Afterward, I would feel unclean, like I’d compromised my own values.

TERR HOW 11.JPGPreach it to the choir, sister! And Terr — tween you and me, let’s be honest — won’t post-marital sex also compromise some of your values? You know… because technically you are pleasing that which you hate (women)? And fair warning to any woman brave enough to marry Terrence Howard: You might just discover on your wedding night that he actually has a vagina. Just prep yourself for that reality is all. The good news is, if he does have one, it will be sparkling like a diamond! And the one immediate relationship ender for the guy?

Toilet paper – and no baby wipes – in the bathroom. If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go in a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.

I hate to break it to the guy, but even baby wipes won’t truly clean “that area.” I, as a woman, use hydrochloric acid blasted out of a pressurized hose to make sure I get every nook n’ cranskies. Can’t be too careful! Especially with all that urine and blood that comes out of that thing! (Too far, I know.) To be fair, however, I make all of my man-friends (read: male prostitutes) dip their junk in lighter fluid, set it on fire, and put it out with alcohol-soaked sandpaper. In other news, this guy’s the worst.

(Photos via Getty Images)

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