You might remember a couple of months ago, when word began spreading around the building that one of the few remaining superstars in the world, Brad Pitt, was inside Mars 2112, aka the Cavernous Vag Restaurant, located in my very office building. Perhaps it was the musk of the Eastern European paparazzi lurking outside, or maybe the humid June air, but I turned into a different sort of monster that day. A bloodthirsty, stalkery monster that I really did like. And in the end, I didn’t even catch a glimpse of Brad and Co.
Now, today, over 2 months later, news arrived in our office that Brad was in fact back at Mars 2112, with Pax in tow. Myself and a few officemates went downstairs to see if there was a mass hysteria like the last time. Strangely, there weren’t really that many people outside — a couple of photographers and tourists, but nowhere near the Beatles-esque proportions of last time.
This is the time when I give a little explanation telling you that I am not, in fact, a celebrity stalker. Don’t get me wrong — my CelebdarÂ© is on at all times, a curse that I can never shut off. It was not by coincidence that last week, I was the only person to spot Good Morning Miami actor Mark “Jewish Josh Lucas” Feuerstein at a “swanky” Times Square bar. But even when the Mark, i.e. “the best part of In Her Shoes“, pulled up a stool next to me, did I look at him, much less say anything? Of course not. I’m a New Yorker, that’s how we do. In fact, I did my best to look at anything BUT him. What interesting sconces! And don’t get me started on that crown molding…
So when a couple of coworkers insisted that I follow them into Mars 2112 to spot Brad, it was with EXTREME hesitation. It’s one thing to be coincidentally eating there alongside Mr. Jolie, it’s another to actually go inside with the intention of finding him.
After the jump, my encounter with Brad (for real), and a little guide as to “What You Should Be Thinking When Standing Next to Him.”
OK, let’s be honest for a second. The real reason why I wasn’t supes gung-ho to go Brad-huntin is I’m a touch hungover from an impromptu Sunday night “Martinis at Midnight!” party. I’m at work wearing glasses, no makeup, a less than supportive bra, and the type of utilitarian outfit that might make some wonder if I work 3 jobs, 2 with the MTA. My hair is styled into what I lovingly refer to as “The Golda Meir“. In other words, I’m not wearing the Vera Wang lavendar bridemaid dress I bought at Loehmann’s for this very occayzh.
My coworkers remained undeterred, and after some mild protesting on my part, we entered Mars 2112. Rather than sit through the stomach-churning ride that “re-enacts” a Mars space landing ($2 a person? Get real) I steered my co-stalkers into the gift shop, where I was pretty sure you could bypass the ride and enter the resty.
But before I could ask the extremely relaxed cashier where the trapdoor for cheap people was, I noticed a very familiar looking porkpie hat.
Resting on the head.
Of Mr. Brad Pitt.
He was right there. Fleshy real person with arms and legs Brad Pitt. And now, I’d like to take you through my thoughts while standing in the same room with Brad Pitt (and an adorable Pax).
“Oh look, Pop Rocks! I love these. I’m going to touch this bag of Pop Rocks right now because there’s nothing to worry about. That is just a man and his son over there. And a security guard. Who will probably break my legs. So let’s just continue touching this bag of Pop Rocks. In fact, pick one up and show it to your coworkers. ‘They have Pop Rocks!’ my mouth says; ‘Don’t look at the man in the hat’ my eyes say; ‘Don’t collapse’ go my knees.
Now my legs are walking over here. My hands are going to touch this, and part of my brain will check the price, while the other part is making sure to ignore that sweet Dad over there and his child. Why don’t I move a little to the right? There we go.
Oh my, that nice tall handsome man wearing khakis and a trendy buttondown is passing right by me. Oh look, his body is only inches from mine. How completely meaningless. Hmm… I wonder why he just sort of almost gave me a dirty look? Surely, it can’t be because I briefly glanced at his face and smiled at his son, who is Asian, and probably adopted. Maybe this strange man’s wife is just really, really Asian. Guess I’ll never know.
Now I am walking to the register and looking for something in my purse. I wonder why my coworkers are staring at this strangely drop dead gorgeous DILF who is innocently playing with space toys? And isn’t it strange that my heart is seriously racing, and air is barely going into my lungs? I must be oddly aroused from these Pop Rocks I’m purchasing.
Let me ask the cashier for a shopping bag. This will make it seem like I’m thinking about other things, and not the fact that right now, on planet earth, I am standing in a store with BRAD MOTHERF**KING PITT AND OH JESUS CHRIST JUST GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOMETHING GOES WRONG.”
So there it is. I saw Brad Pitt, i.e. “Just Some Guy”, and Pax, in the flesh. Was it thrilling? Surely. A once in a lifetime op? Most likely. But something was missing… it’s sort of hard to put my finger on it… but I’m pretty sure it was this guy:
Oh mini-Borat. You will be missed.
(All photos courtesy of INF Daily)