I woke up this morning at dawn, filled with a joyful anticipation reminiscent of Christmas morning and the moments prior to losing my virginity, for I knew that the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards – the single most important televised event of the night that isn’t Curb Your Enthusiasm – would be ridin’ and shinin’ its way into my living room in only a few short hours. And now, at 8pm Eastern Time, the “Pre-Show Royale” is upon me, and I’m literally moments away from the shock and awe of Britney Spears‘ first attempt in years at performing something other than insanity. I’ve got a glass full of Bourbon, a big bag of Hot Wings & Blue Cheese Flavored “Dorito Collisions”, and a masochistic need for some hot pop culture torture. Let’s do this!
11:05 – And so everything comes full circle with our old “wine and anti-depressenty” friend Nelly Furtado doing some kind of Cirque du Soleil performance art piece with Justin Timberlake and a bunch of Vegas cabaret girls. I’d like to thank all of you for reading, suffering and commenting along with me tonight, and I’d like to thank MTV for being so amazingly in touch with what’s hip and relevant to 11 year-old gay boys in Iowa. Until next year!
11:00 – So apparently Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into some kind of off-screen fight, which would be super-exciting and interesting if we were watching Wrestlemania 36.
10:57 – Dr. Dre announces the award for “Best Video Never Played Until Now On MTV” and the winner is….Rhianna! And she gets her music video played on Music Television! Suck on that you little rich kid d-bags over in The Hills! Who says no music gets played on MTV anymore?
10:48 – That braindead beauty queen from South Carolina squanders away what tiny amount of dignity she may have had left by further degrading herself and our culture just a little bit more so MTV can squeeze out a few topical laughs for this snoozefest of an awards program. Like, sad.
10:45 – Jamie Foxx managed to say 12,954 words in a coke-fueled tour-de-force attention-grabbing promo-rant before Jennifer Garner was able to squeeze in a single audible sound. And all 12,954 words were the name and release date of their new movie. This has to be some kind of world record. And Jennifer Garner is so overwhelmed by this mind-blowing display, she give an award to Gym Class Fallout, which is somehow poetic.
10:35 – Alicia Keys has effectively turned in the manliest, headbandiest version of “Freedom” since George Michael and a couple of the Village People did a “heat of the moment” impromptu a cappella version in a Manchester bathroom stall back in the mid-90’s.
10:25 – And Fall Out Boy wins the statue prize for “Best Group”. But best group of what? Best group of shopping mall cliches? Best group of insufferable douchedragons with expensive haircuts? Best group of dudes content to allow themselves to be dismissed so the “good-looking one” can take credit for the measly amount of “art” they’ve managed to produce? Either way, they WIN!
10:17 – The “Friends or Enemies” Fall Out Boy Suckfest Party is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish we could be in the Creative Conference Room with the monkeys that devised this show. It would be adorable, like watching a puppy chase its tail, or a retarded kitten terrified by a ball of yarn. This is hopeless. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on…
10:06 – It’s the mooooootherf*ckiiiiiiing LEBEOUF! AND HE IS SPORTING A LEBEOUFSTACHE! AND HE JUST TOLD US THE NAME OF THE NEW INDIANA JONES FLICK! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull With LEBEOUF, here I come! Suck it, Ludacris – LeBeouf is taking your award!
10:05 – Hey, 50 Cent‘s new musical mumbling sounds AMAZING! Debate settled!
9:57 – Justin Timberlake wins award for Best White Male R&B Singer Under 30 of the Year, thinks he just won a Nobel Peace Prize and gets all serious about “the state of music”, then makes some half-baked comment about reality TV and The Simpsons. Is this over soon?
9:44 - This is Chris Brown and the “I’m gonna go pour more Bourbon, enough to maybe make this interesting” portion of the program. Talk amongst yourselves.
9:34 – Is it even possible for me to care less about whether Kanye West or 50 Cent will release the more mildly entertaining album of overblown ego-fueled rap music this year?
9:32 – MTV is the Britney Spears of television networks, and tonight ain’t gonna make either of them any more relevant. This is a disaster.
9:26 – Wow, Fall Out Boy just smashed a bunch of their equipment!!! How totally f’ing PUNK ROCK BADASS! I guess I wasn’t the only one watching Nirvana do the same thing – but way cooler – almost 15 years ago!
9:24 – “Quadruple Threat of the Year”? Who the f*ck is making up these categories? What a meaningless, arbitrary thing to award to someone? Stay tuned later for Best Air-Breather of The Year, Wisest Selector of Guitar Strings, and Awesomest Haircut of 2007!
9:12 – The first ever winner of the “Monster Single of the Year” award is Rhianna for “Umbrella”, even though her song has less to do with monsters and more to do with things that keep you dry in the rain. How long do you guys think it’s gonna take Jay-Z to kick Beyonce to the curb for this girl?
9:11 – Pete Wentz‘s microphone isn’t working as he tries to tell us how “hot and rad and poppin” his party suite is. He’s never sounded quite so eloquent.
9:05 – Sarah Silverman comes sprinting out of the gate with a few good (and, contextually, incredibly difficult) Britney-bashing jokes, then proceeds to bomb horribly. She’s still so cute though, isn’t she?
9:00 – It’s Britney Bitch! No. Actually, it’s some chunky soccer mom who’s pooped out a couple of kids but is wearing a glitter bikini anyway, stumbling around the stage, lip-synching a little, but otherwise utterly f*cking confused about what, exactly, she’s supposed to be doing right now. This is sad, like someone doing Karaoke who just forgot the lyrics and isn’t really sure what they’re supposed to be doing. The cutaway shots to the celebs in the crowd are only making this more painful to watch. Britney’s back, bitch! Or not really.
8:45 - Jamie Foxx is here with Jennifer Garner to promote their new movie The Kingdom, and sing some of those songs from Ray, if anyone will let him. Anyone? Come on, just the chorus then! Kanye? No? That’s cool.
8:42 – Hahahaha, Paris Hilton got her hair cut like Hillary Clinton.
8:39 – Is Britney Spears‘ performance going to end worldwide suffering and bring about an eon of peace and prosperity for all of mankind? Stay tuned to find out!
8:34 – Some chick that looks like every club chick I’ve ever seen is dancing around in a box while Lil’ Wayne masterfully tosses in random outbursts of noise. The result is a surprisingly Zen-like cacophony of noise.
8:30 – 50 Cent is talking to John Norris (who looks like an Albino Vampire) about his “feudbeeflirtation” with Kanye West, which is about the sissiest rap rivalry since Kid & Play got into a slap fight on the set of House Party 2.
8:25 – This band Boys Like Girls (whoever they are) definitely likes girls’ jeans.
8:17 – Judging from their arrivals appearance, it would seem the girls from The Hills are here for the sole purpose of giggling and, like, being here.
8:12 – Four glasses of Chardonnay + abusing your Wellbutrin prescription – Restful Sleep = Nelly Furtado tonight.
8:02 – Since when did Pete Wentz, the bassist, become the spokesman for Fall Out Boy? He’s telling us about his uberhip moonlighting gig as a “DJ”. When he wants to make the club “go off” he either plays Justin Timberlake or Journey‘s “Don’t Stop Believin'”. And there you have it: Journey is THE bangin’ club band of the summer.