SIZZLER: ABC Announces Biggest, Most Starless Dancing With the Stars Cast Yet

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waynenewton_dancing.jpgThe ease with which Americans are entertained by reality television never ceases to amaze me, yet I still find it difficult to believe that Dancing With the Stars – ABC’s inexplicably popular program about people whose names you may or may not vaguely recognize participating in what is essentially televised ballroom dance – has cha cha’d all the way to a 5th season of dancin’ D-listers. The new cast was recently announced, but I suggest you not look directly at it, lest the white-hot star-wattage burn your eyes into permanent blindness. Instead, I shall ease you through the list, one at a time, including everything I know about each of them:

  • Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown – I think she might have once had sex with Eddie Murphy, and once had Victoria Beckham‘s cell phone number.
  • Sabrina Bryan – Is this the teenage witch I’ve heard so much about?
  • Helio Castroneves – Hmm, tough one. Latin America cell phone magnate by day, fire-wielding superhero by night?
  • Mark Cuban – Billionaire basketball team owner/blogger who aspires to be the Howard Hughes of his generation.
  • Jennie Garth – Seems to be taking career tips from 90210 castmate Ian Ziering. I expect to see Brian Austin Green doing his famed “Roger Rabbit” on the next season of the show.
  • Josie Maran – I have no idea. Um, shot in the dark, talking head on a Vh1 show?
  • Cameron Mathison – Again, I’ve got nothing. Sounds like a weatherman or something.
  • Floyd Mayweather Jr. – Old timey boxer/jazz musician.
  • Wayne Newton – Wayne Newton’s robotic face is an unstoppable force with a take-no-prisoners attitude that will freak out the competition until they just submit to it.
  • Marie Osmond – The one that isn’t Donny.
  • Albert Reed – I’m gonna go with the portly kid who grew up next door to Bill Cosby and provided the inspiration for Fat Albert, but that’s probably not right.
  • Jane Seymour – She’s either a news anchor, Dr. Quinn, or The Medicine Woman; I can never remember which.
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