9:59 – After all that sound and fury and sadness, the show is finally over. I don’t really know what happened at the end because some publicist came over and tried to hand me a totally unnecessary press release recapping the outcome of the awards show I just sat through, but only succeeded in knocking over the beer I just bought. Awesome. With the exception of a drunken Spank Rock coming over and commandeering my laptop to share his eloquent ideas with you, dear readers, I would say the show portion of the awards show was pretty much a bust. In fact, I haven’t been this excited to leave something since I graduated from college.
9:51 – Ugh, if I have to hear the wail of one more unfocused generically angst-ridden whine-yell, I’m going to rip out my own eardrums. I feel like I’ve been tied to a chair in a Hot Topic and forced to listen to a never-ending playlist created by some suburban goth kid who works there. I’m just gonna say it, kids f*cking suck these days.
9:32 – (Spank Rock just came to our table and drank the Gothamist Liveblogger’s beer, then demanded I allow him to blog. What follows is exactly what he typed, unedited – obviously – except for asterisks to tone down the naughty words)
i stole a SHEW FRUM ALDO! I’M AT THE WOODY’S BLO0GGERS TABLE. MY DAD’S NAME IS WOODY. NOT JOKING! I TRIEDC TO MAKE OUT WITH TOM DULONGGG. HE WAS INTO IT BUT THERE WERE TOOO MANY CAMAMARERES AROUND. I UNDERSTAND….. I DRANK SOME B*TCH ASS N*GGAS (Ed. Note – That would be Gothamist Guy) BEER. HE AIN;’T DO SH*T. CAUSE I’M GANGSTER. I’M JUST A WILD ASS N*GGA DOING WILD ASS N*GGA SH*T!
9:17 - A live performance by The Academy Is. And The Academy Is…an overwrought generic emo ballad.
9:10 – Annie Lennox, a name that is synonymous with “College Music”, came out to present the Good Woodie, which I think has something to do with charity. Thom Yorke from Radiohead was nominated, but lost to Guster. Maybe if Radiohead wasn’t giving their music away for free, they could spare a little cash for poor people.
9:01 – Is anyone even reading this? Should I keep going? Leave a comment to let me know you’re out there so I don’t feel like I’m suffering through this for nothing.
8:57 – Tom DeLonge from Blink-182 and some new band I’m not familiar with comes out to remind us that he won a Woodie last year (like the world could ever have forgotten) and present the Best Music on Campus Woodie. This guy loves talking, which is ironic, because he doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to say. Anyway, the award goes to Stellastarr by Starlight or some other band whose name sounds sort of like that. They’re freaking out about winning, adorably unaware of the reality that winning a Woodie is just a slightly bigger accomplishment than being named World’s Best Grandpa on a coffee mug. Man, I never thought I’d say this, but I really miss Jared Leto.
8:54 - Some band called Motion City Soundtrack (otherwise known as generic mall-rock band #374) came out to present the Viral Woodie Award, which sounds like something honoring the rocker who has the worst case of herpes (and around here, competition seems stiff). Whatever it means, the award goes to The Academy Is (otherwise known as generic mall-rock back #375).
8:47 – After a break that seemed to go on forever, Talib Kweli came out to give it up for some stuff, then introduce a performance by Spank Rock. There are a bunch of dancer chicks in neon bikinis and a few hobo-chic hipster rappers. It looks sort of like a Will Smith video from the 80’s, but starring Damon Wayans’ homeless character from In Living Color. Now more people have joined them onstage, and they appear to be raving. I have no idea what’s going on. F*ck, I’m old.
8:25 – Keenan Thompson from SNL just came out, wearing sunglasses, bling, and a SF Giants jacket. If Kanye West let himself go, this is what it would look like. I met Keenan a few minutes ago on the red carpet and he was super-cool. Also, he smelled like a Grateful Dead concert. He just introduced Tokyo Police Club, who are actually shaggy white hipsters, and not the small Japanese women in matching slutty police uniforms that I was expecting. Still, they’re music’s good, and I’m pretty sure this will be the only thing I hear tonight that I’ll actually want to hear.
8:20 - “Please welcome a band that has TWO Woodies on their mantle piece, Fall Out Boy!” That’s actually hilarious, because they probably do. Pete Wentz comes out and shows us how edgy and shocking he is by greeting the crowd with a “What’s up, Motherf*ckers!”, then pointing out how “awesome” it is that he can say “Motherf*ckers” at this awards show. When the founding fathers wrote the first amendment to the Constitution, I hope one of them was like, “What if some douche in eyeliner wants to say the ‘F’ word at an awards show only college kids are watching someday? Shouldn’t he have that right?” The Fall Out Boys announce the winner of the Best Video Woodie, which goes to Say Anything, an amazing John Hughes movie from the 80’s.
8ish – Okay, so I’m finally set up here in the “bloggers paradise”, which is basically a couple of crowded tables packed with creepy people’s laptops and no view of the stage because we’re sitting behind Pete Wentz, who’s standing on top of his chair, because he’s the kind of dude who does that. I’m getting a little late of a start because I spent the last 20 minutes geeking out with Bjorn from Peter, Bjorn & John. I asked him why everything in Sweden (where he’s from) looks so awesome, but he just said it was an ancient IKEA secret. Anyway, Gym Class Heroes just won a Woodie for something. No idea what. Feel free to Google it if you care.