BWE SLANG: The “Kraft Single”

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KRAFT SINGLE.JPGBWE.tv would like to submit a new phrase into your pop culture lexicon. That phrase being the “Kraft Single.” A definition:

The Kraft Single, c. 2007 (krăft sÄ­ng’gÉ™l). Kraft, from the largest food and beverage company headquartered in North America, also the producer of American cheese; Single, from the Middle English sengle, from Latin singulus.

The Kraft Single refers to a song, or musical “single”, that has been so overly processed and tinkered with by producers in the studio that the original artist’s voice is barely recognizable. Much like an actual slice of Kraft American Cheese wrapped in cellophane plastic, which has been overly processed and dyed at the cheese making factory.

ORIGIN: Created by Derek Hartley, Sirius Radio Personality, Co-Host of The Derek and Romaine Show, and friend. On last night’s show, I stopped by to discuss, among other things, the new Britney Spears album Blackout, which despite what you might think, is actually completely amazing and addictive. When the question of how Spears’ singing sounds, I made the point of saying that you can’t really tell, as her voice has been churned through the same computer program that Neo used to communicate with Morpheus in The Matrix.

I went on to say that instead of Britney appearing on the cover, the studio should have gone whole hog and put a picture of Short Circuit‘s Johnny 5 on the cover with a single blonde braid covering one of his robo-eyes… something along the lines of this:
BRITNEY SPEARS BLACKOUT.JPG
Upon hearing this, Derek, i.e. Brainiac McMensaface, mentioned that Britney’s upcoming single from the album, Piece of Me — which features a slutty cyborg breathing heavily — is more like a Kraft Single, comparing it to the overly processed individually wrapped cheese slices. “Kraft Singles”, in both senses of the term, are incredibly unhealthy, addictive, unnatural, delicious, and most importantly, American. Musical Kraft Singles are also, coincidentally, cheesy.

EXAMPLES:

PARIS KRAFT.JPGParis Hilton‘s “Stars are Blind”: The ultimate Kraft single. Heiress decides she wants an album, squawks her ostrich song into a studio mic, hires 9,000 producers and one Jamaican man (we assume) to remix, re-churn and reprocess her voice into something that could almost pass as barely listenable. The fact that the lyrics basically rearranged the same 7 songs over and over again was surprisingly convenient. And let’s face it: If Paris Hilton really had the mudflaps to get up and sing at some Chinatown Karaoke Club (where karaoke is taken as seriously as cancer), she would be shot in the face. And yet, when you hear her single, you want to put the gun down, put your haltered mumu on, and get your groove back with the cabana boy.

CHER KRAFT.JPGCher‘s “Believe”: Was this Cher singing? Or some sort of Euro Gay-Clubbing Robot with a broken titanium heart? Cher could have very well mumbled this ditty out while passed out in the handicapped stall of a Romanian Nightclub, and producers could have basically tinkered with the machines to create the same single. The same Kraft Single.

USAGE:

Have you heard “Toy Soldier” yet? It’s a total Kraft Single, but I can’t stop listening to it.

FINAL IDEA:

Packaging musical Kraft Singles in the same cellophane wrapper that the cheese comes in. Chemical orange wrapper residue a must.

Feel free to talk about your favorite “Kraft Singles” in the comments.