I’ve been watching Gordon Ramsay’s ridiculous show “Kitchen Nightmares” on Fox for the last three weeks, and I really must admit, it’s the most deliberately pre-planned, same-thing-every-time reality show I’ve ever seen to the point where I actually kind of perversely enjoy it. In case you’ve never seen the show — in which the foul-mouthed British chef arrives to dramatically turn around declining restaurants — I’ve done the service of typing out the script to every single episode, past and future, below. Enjoy!
VOICEOVER: Mama McDougal’s — one of the most prestigious upscale Italian restaurants in the heart of downtown Chicago. But these days, this popular Second City bistro is anything but first rate…
LOVABLE, FATHERLY OWNER: My restaurant is my life. Period. And these days, life ain’t so good.
HOSTESS: This place used to be packed seven days a week, but now we’re lucky if we get seven people a week. I can tell it’s taking its toll on Lovable Fatherly Owner.
A-HOLE CHEF: Our restaurant is fine!!! I ain’t changin’ nothin’!!! Fugggedabouddditttt!!!
[Cut to GORDON RAMSAY driving around the area]
GORDON: Great location, lot’a foot traffic. Where the [BLEEP] hell is this [BLEEP] place? Oh my lord, is that it? They don’t even have a [BLEEP] sign out front.
[Cut to GORDON eating a sample meal]
GORDON: You call this Veal Parmesan? This is a shoe filled with cocktail sauce and covered in shredded baseball cards.
A-HOLE CHEF: Ey, I knows howta make Veal, OK? Whoz youtta judge??
A-HOLE CHEF Testimonial: When I first met Gordon I wuz all like, wha the blah blee bloo iz zis guy?? Everything I do’z perfect and I ain’t changin’!!
GORDON: If you want any chance of bloody succeeding, you’re going to have to throw all your food, utensils, and furniture away. And install a bathroom. And paint over those giant Swastikas on the wall. You [BLEEP]s.
LOVABLE, FATHERLY OWNER Testimonial: Everything Gordon said was spot on. We’re losing $380,000 every week, and I always felt like that Time cover story about the Swastikas all over our walls dented our business. I just… I just want my family to be happy [tears up].
[Cut to GORDON talking to staff]
GORDON: Where’s Incompetent Maitre d’?
INCOMPETENT MAITRE D': Right here.
GORDON: When the customers come in, you can’t keep punching them in the d*ck. It is painful and unnecessary and will only serve to make your [BLEEP] customers upset.
INCOMPETENT MAITRE D': I’ll try.
GORDON: A-Hole Chef — you have to learn how to cook actual food. You simply cannot afford to keep serving people random objects.
A-HOLE CHEF: Ey, who the [BLEEP] are you ta talk?
GORDON: Who the [BLEEP] am I to talk?? I’m the mother[BLEEP]er who [BLEEP]ed your [BLEEP]ing mother, that’s who, and I performed the [BLEEP]ing abortion myself, though I’m starting to think I should have saved my services for the [BLEEP]ing sibling who doesn’t know how to make a [BLEEP]ing red sauce!
A-HOLE CHEF Testimonial: When Gordon said that, I wuz all like “whoa, maybe Iz do need ta change!”
[Cut to the next day]
GORDON: As you can see, my secret, professional design team has completely remodeled the interior of your restaurant for free. I don’t know why you didn’t have a super-prestigious design team remodel your entire restaurant for free earlier.
LOVABLE, FATHERLY OWNER: These new booths are the single most awe-inspiring sight I have ever laid mine eyes upon. Way better than the birth of either of my children.
GORDON: It’s not over yet, people, we’ve got a big grand reopening tonight right after this commercial break, and if we [BLEEP] it up, we’re totally [BLEEP]ed in the [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
[After commercial, cut to shots of buzzing crowd mingling in the waiting room]
INCOMPETENT MAITRE D': Hey everyone, I’m sorry, we’re really busy tonight and we’ll try to seat you as quickly as possible. In the meantime, I am going to punch all of you in the — wait, I mean, please enjoy drinks at the bar.
[Cut to kitchen]
GORDON: You’re not actually going to serve that, are you?
A-HOLE CHEF: Why, what’za problem?
GORDON: You put the food on the bottom of the plate by mistake. And there is a rat inside the mashed potatoes. And the rat has fashioned the potatoes into his own little fort. And it has a flag that says “RAT” sticking out.
A-HOLE CHEF: We’re real behind, what youz want me ta do ahhhhhh?????
[Cut to shots of impatient customers at their tables]
CUSTOMER 1: I’ve been waiting a while right now and I am not happy about that!
CUSTOMER 2: I wonder if they can pull this off… Or will it be a KITCHEN NIGHTMARE???
VOICEOVER: It’s the moment of truth. The customers are putting the food in their mouths and saying evaluations of it out loud.
CUSTOMER 1: This is delicious! Completely worth waiting that hour while they were blaring urgent music over the loudspeakers!
CUSTOMER 2: Kitchen Nightmare? More like, Kitchen Wet Dream!
[Cut to next morning]
LOVABLE FATHERLY OWNER: Thank you so much, Gordon Ramsay. The notoriety of our restaurant being mentioned on network tv should completely turn our business around. Also, all that stuff you did.
A-HOLE CHEF: Iz sorry I been such a bastard, Gordon, pleaze let meh live!
GORDON: Well, my work here is done. Once again, though, [BLEEP] all you people. That’s not a joke. Seriously, I mean [BLEEP] all you people.
[Credits roll overtop of footage of GORDON banging the HOSTESS from behind]