Rocky Marciano Biopic Sure To Be Best Boxing Movie Ever About Guy Named Rocky


MarcianoA movie studio has been given the green light to produce a biopic about boxer Rocky Marciano, but if all goes well at the box office — and at the Oscars, John Turturro…WINK — I figure, why stop at just one movie? Here’s how I see the Rocky Marciano HEXOLOGY shaking down:

Rocky Marciano – Rocky Marciano is given an improbable shot at the World Heavyweight Title, but loses to Joe Louis in a split decision, then calls out for his wallflowery girlfriend who he met forty-five minutes earlier.

Rocky Marciano II – Rocky Marciano rematches Joe Louis and ends up defeating him when the two both improbably fall to the canvas at the same time, but Marciano, inspired by his girlfriend, cousin, and former bookie, manages to get up, overpowering the shamed cries of Louis’ wife.

Rocky Marciano III – Rocky Marciano battles Hulk Hogan in an exhibition boxing/wrestling crossover match, then battles Mr. T, who may or may not be playing a character.

Rocky Marciano IV – Rocky Marciano, who now owns two robots that serve him drinks, avenges the death of Joe Louis by going to Russia and beating up a steroid-fueled Dolph Lundgren, who is five times as strong as every other heavyweight boxer in the world according to a machine that measures punches.

Rocky Marciano V – Rocky Marciano helps Tommy Morrison become the heavyweight champion of the world, then beats him up in a street fight. Tommy Morrison wins an Oscar for having the courage to portray a character with HIV.

Rocky Marciano Balboa – Rocky Marciano, whose career has fallen on hard times, decides to take one final shot at reclaiming his glory and films a movie about his character falling on hard times and trying to reclaim his glory. Surprisingly, it is not the worst movie ever made.

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