Over the next couple of weeks, every day until the New Year, BWE.tv will be posting a series of Top 10 in ’07 Lists we have ingeniously titled BWE’s MERRY LISTMAS! Make sure to check in every day over the holiday break for our daily lists!If there would be an easy and quick way to describe 2007 it would be with this one simple word: Fierce. Which is why BWE.tv has compiled the following list: The Top 10 Fiercest Things of 2007. Let’s kick things off with a classic:
10. Harry Potter’s Peen Pix. Up until ’07, Daniel Radcliffe was known for an entirely different kind of Nimbus… HEYOOO! (Ed. Note: We are officially laying this joke to rest before ’08) But it seems that the actor made famous for wearing glasses bought at the Build-a-Bear store had something else to prove to the world at large: That he, in fact, had D’Angelo-style pelvic bones. And so we were blessed with his promotional pictures from his London stage debut in Equus, wherein Daniel removed his pants and draped himself across an unsuspecting mare like a saddle made out of albino calfskin. NOT SO FIERCE: Patchy happy trails.
9. Kathy Griffin in General. This has definitely been Kathy Griffin’s year. Not only did the former D-Lister recover nicely from a messy divorce with ex-squeeze Matt Moline by trading up a few billion dollars (she’s now dating Apple Computer founder Steve Wozniak, the only man with a beard more George Lucas-y than George Lucas), she also managed to snag an Emmy for her oustanding reality show My Life on the D-List. Her acceptance speech made fun of Jesus and pissed off the Catholics. And let’s not forget that she’s the only Gay Man in the country with a natural rack and vadg, which is secretly the definition of fierce. NOT SO FIERCE: Her adorable father passing away in February.
8. Posh’s Hair. British android moves to LA, turns hair into veritable weapon, becomes biggest hair icon since Jennifer Aniston went all Newscaster Nancy on us in the 90s. Said haircut, which would have been completely original if some guy named Vidal Sassoon never existed. Her haircut also did wonders to hide what industry insiders refer to as “alien face.” A slew of cultish celebrities followed in her heeled footsteps, from
Katie Kate Holmes to fellow pro-ana prezzy Jenna Jameson. Even Suri Cruise was seen sporting the sexy do! So big props to Posh’s haircut, the only hairstyle fierce enough to actually be able to kill a man. Honorable Mention Goes To: David Beckham’s package. NOT SO FIERCE: Grapefruit boobs.
7. Amy Winehouse’s Blood-Stained Ballet Shoes. What’s a fast and easy way to dress up an old pair of Capezio Ballet Shoes? Why, human blood of course! Blood-stained shoes say a lot about a lady. It says “You know, darndest thing: While I was running late to our extremely important appointment, I just happened to step in a bear trap and shred no less than three toes. But due to time constraints, I wasn’t able to pop by our local slipper cobbler, and had to wear them as is. The result is that my shoe has blood stains on it.” Or, in Amy’s case: “My boyfriend and I just did a lot of heroin, and somehow my shoes got covered in our blood.” Either way, you guys, totally FIII-AAARCE! NOT SO FIERCE: Hepatiteskies.
6. Charlize Theron’s J’Adore Commercial. If this commercial was an actor, it’s name would be Fierce Brosnan.
The List, and Charlize’s Fierce Video, Continues After the Jump!!
5. Knut: From Baby Cub to Adorable Killing Machine. No, literally, this animal is the definition of Fierce, as in adorable AND will kill you so fast you will watch your own head get ripped off of your body. (Aw!) Knut was an international sensation: Kicking off life as an adorable albeit rejected little white bear, mugging for the cameras and pretty much becoming the most famous polar bear after those fake ones that liked soda. And then something weird happened: Knut went through “the change”, going from harmless little “Greeting Card Faced Jones”, to “He’s Going to Track My Scent Back to My Tent and Kill Me, Isn’t He? Jenkins”. If you recall, he celebrated his Bear Mitzvah only a couple of weeks ago. So even though you’re not the baby faced toddler of yesteryear, Knut, you are still literally fierce. Please don’t kill me. NOT SO FIERCE: Polar Bear Butterfly Kisses! Oh my god… MY FACE! He is eating my face.
4. Zac Efron. This lady-faced, make-up-caked, hair-straightened gent has had the kind of year most beautiful young boys would never dare dream of. Between the unexplainable success of High School Musical‘s 1 and 2, his unexplainable relationship with Vanessa “Underaged Naked Body For Sale!” Hudgens, and his (Thank God) explainable turn in the movie musical Hairspray, Zac Efron has taught millions of underaged girls the definition of “fierce” waaaay before their best gay boyfriend will go on to explain in high school. BONUS FIERCENESS: He sports the Posh Bob (see #8). NOT SO FIERCE: Getting cast as Kevin Bacon’s Ren McCormick in the Footloose remake. Your treading on dangerous ground there, Zac, watch yourself.
3. My Train Ride with Anderson Cooper. OK, this was the fiercest thing for me. Moving along, the real #3…
3. Britney Spears’ Blackout. Forget Britney Spears‘ personal life for a moment. And forget, for a moment, the fact that the album is such a Kraft Single that it’s not so much Britney singing as it is a discarded animatronic prostitute from a Chuck E. Cheese display circa 1976. The plain and simple truth is that Britney Spears’ latest album, Blackout, is FIERCE AS HALE. Truly every song (save the one slow one) is fun, danceable, catchy, melodic… it’s the only thing the girl’s done right since nearly dropping one of her babies on its head, taking him out of his future misery for good. Anyway, BWE.tv is hereby claiming Blackout to be the Fiercest Album of 2007, and our favorite Comeback of the Year. NOT SO FIERCE: Britney’s Short-Lived Puli Phase.
2. Mizz Tyra’s “Kiss My Fat Ass” Speech. Please refer to this video for a short, albeit fierce, reminder:
This is a picture of me right now, as I am blown away by all this fierce-osity. By telling all of the world to kiss her, quote, “fat ass”, Tyra effectively did something no one thought was possible: Curbed all the nasty talk found on blogs and in tabloids all over the country by saying “Yeah, my ass is kinda fat… and what?” The psychotic screaming, crocodile tears, and no-holds-barred tock-slapping definitely drove the point home: I am still a f**king supermodel, you a**holes. Kissing a size 8 ass has never tasted FIERCER. NOT SO FIERCE: Bus Station Fashion Shows.
1. Zarf’s “I Have a Penis” Monologue. Once again, let’s take a look back at the NUMBER 1 FIERCEST THING IN 2007: The Famous “I Have a Penis” Sketch, courtesy of the best Daytime Soap Character Ever? (Yes, Ever): All My Children’s Zarf:
In fact, make that chicken cutlet bouncing off the ground the Fiercest Thing of 07. Everything about this scene… this character… is to die for: The unexplained Shakespearean Accent, the slinky slip, the single drama-tear actor Jeffrey Carlson managed to scrounge up in order to drive the penis point home. What makes this clip so fierce? In order:
a. The Robe
b. The Slinky Slip
c. The Sexy Bra
d. The Smudged Eye Makeup
e. The Smeared Lipstick
LOOK AT ME!
g. The Adam’s Apple
And, of course,
h. Big Masculine Hands.
Sadly, Jeffrey Carlson left All My Children earlier this year to pursue other dramatic work, leaving a gaping fierceness hole in all of our hearts. But hey: We’ll always have the above video, as well as all of his other videos. Long Live Zarf! NOT SO FIERCE: No, literally, everything about him is fierce.
Honorable Mention: Christian from Project Runway, who also sports the Posh Bob, and manages to use the word “Fierce” no less than 6 times per sentence. He would have made the list, but it’s way too early in the season to go calling contestants fierce. Let him make it to the Top 5, and we’ll consider replacing the blood-stained shoes with this little Tinkerbell-like creature.
If you haven’t been completely hypnotized by this image, feel free to leave what you believe to be the Fierces Moment or Thing of 2007 in the comments.