Last year, swooping down into some godforsaken Bono country and picking up a couple of impoverished children was all the Hollywood parenting rage. But in ’07, the stars and starlets of the world decided to acquire their accessory babies the old fashioned way, getting themselves impregnated by their husbands, boyfriends, partners, or just whoever happened to be nearby and also had a functioning reproductive system. And for us, the best part of these miracles of celebrity childbirth was always the manner in which our famous friends elected to share their good news with the world. So here are the 10 Best Pregnancy Announcements of 2007.
10. Lily Allen – In some kind of tabloid miracle, her unplanned, out-of-wedlock pregnancy news was all but ignored on account of the fact that it came at the same time as that of a certain sixteen year-old Spears sister’s. Her publicist must have heaved a huge sigh of relief, because you can’t buy that kind of timing.
9. Bridget Moynahan – The beautiful actress. The all-American Super Bowl champ quarterback with the kind of good looks that only someone named Tom Brady could have. Together, they had all the elements of a timeless story of true love with a Hollywood ending until Tom ended up deciding he wasn’t hearing all that baby-daddy jazz and got himself shacked up with Giselle Bundchen, a model who, in a cruel twist of irony, is probably the one person in the world hotter than Bridget Moynahan. Which, in a sense, is still a Hollywood ending.
8. Milla Jovovich – The Resident Evil star announced the impending birth of her baby wordlessly, by letting her transformation from “waif-like malnourished actress” to “healthily rotund person who eats meals and looks like a farmhouse” speak for itself.
7. Christina Aguilera – The only thing more beautiful that the miracle of childbirth, is when word of that miracle is announced by Paris Hilton, at a MTV Video Music Awards party, and your baby beans end up being spilled by some kind of syphilitic stork wasted on vodka and Red Bull.
6. Jessica Alba – We heard the sound of a million horny teenage hearts breaking when word got out that Jessica Alba had decided to reject her international sex symbol status to settle down and bear the children of some random gold-digging PA named “Cash”, thus providing mankind with yet even more existential evidence that life is meaningless and God is dead.
5. Halle Berry – This grand old dame of Tinseltown did the old in-out with whichever young model type she happened to be currently dating and, even though she was pretty old, got herself knocked up, which she announced the old-timey, old-Hollywood way, by visiting her old friends at Access Hollywood and doing the old song and dance about being so excited about the baby she’s been wanting for so long before she got too old.
4. Jennifer Lopez – Even though she’s fake-happily-married and reaching the twilight of her child-bearing years, J-Lo and her husband Marc Anthony were so excited to have conceived a child that they pretended not to be pregnant, for months, until they had finally exhausted their excuses for the giant swelling bulge in Jennifer’s belly, and she begrudgingly had to admit the fact that her airbrushed glittered body would indeed be porking up a bit because of the Baby-Lo growing inside of her.
3. Nicole Richie – Freshly sprung from her hours-long stint in the clink for intoxicated-driving hijinx of some sort, Nicole let word of her pregnancy leak slowly, first causing widespread confusion with photographs suggesting there was actually something in her stomach then, having given us the chance to wrap our brains around the idea of her being responsible for the life of a child, confirmed that she and boyfriend Joel Madden were, in fact, with child. With the exception of a couple nasty “smoking and drinking” whilst drinking reports, the couple have been trying to play it cool and keep their sh*t together like some kind of pseudo-punk fametarded version of Leave It To Beaver.
2. All The Paternity Test Results On Maury – What a reaffirmative celebration of love and life it is to see the classless individuals of the world find out whether or not they are going to be parents, then engage in wildly inappropriate celebratory victory dances intended to rub a person who they once had sex with’s face in the fact that they will or will not be financially responsible for the this little human life that already exists in the world anyway.
1. Jamie Lynn-Spears – This bombshell was, by far, the mother of all “mother-to-be-who-shouldn’t-be” announcements of the year. I mean, where does one even begin? She’s sixteen years old, half-single, and shares the same genes as Britney f*cking Spears, who spent the first 11 1/2 months of the year comprehensively demonstrating to us all the myriad reasons why she should not be allowed within 100 yards of anyone under the age of 13.