A Transcript From Dr. Phil’s Cancelled ‘Britney’ Episode

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Dr. PhilIn case you missed the memo, today’s episode of “Dr. Phil,” which was supposed to be a full hour devoted to Britney and her current situation, was yanked from the air and replaced by a repeat at the last minute because Dr. Phil felt the situation was “too intense.” Just so we don’t go home completely empty-handed, here’s an artist’s conception of what we missed.

DR. PHIL: Welcome to the show. Today, we’re spending the entire hour talking about Britney Spears with those who know her best — these random tv psychologists who we managed to book at the last minute.

PSYCHOLOGIST GUY WHO LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THE BRITISH JUDGE ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS”: Glad to be here, Dr. Phil.

DR. PHIL: Let’s talk about Britney. I mean, what is her deal, yo? [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AT COMFORTABLE, GOOD-NATURED UNPROFESSIONALISM] I mean, what the hell, dammit?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Let me start by saying that numerous layers of psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even frenological factors come into play when you’re dealing with a celebrity of this magnitude.

[CHYRON APPEARS - "Dr. James R. Stephenson, Blazer-Wearing Man Who Has Heard Of Britney]

DR. PHIL: But damnit, at what point is enough enough??

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AFTER 1.5 SECONDS OF APPLAUSE-MILKING SILENCE]

PSYCHOLOGIST: We see this all the time in celebrities. I spent two years reading about Loni Anderson back when that whole thing was going on, so I know how tough it can be, there simply is no quick fix.

DR. PHIL: We all know Britney has a terrific, supportive family, but at some point you have to say, you know, “What the hell am I doin’? I need to knock it off!”

[ONE PERSON IMMEDIATELY STARTS APPLAUDING REALLY LOUDLY, REST OF AUDIENCE FOLLOWS SUIT]

DR. PHIL: We’ll be right back.

[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO. THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY COMMERCIAL PLAYS SEVEN TIMES. LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR INTRO]

DR. PHIL: We learned a lot today about Britney’s situation — probably 10, 15 percent of this we didn’t even cover the last time we devoted an entire hour-long episode to Britney. The point is, the harder I try to draw psychological paralells between Britney’s craziness and general, everyday advice for our viewers, the more clear it becomes that these Britney episodes are completely irredeemable ratings ploys. Not that that’s a secret or anything, but damnit, why the hell does it have to be so obvious??

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Dr. Phil: Tomorrow, we’ll bring Dick Masterson and that black woman who hates blacks into the studio to discuss the psychology of lesbian threesomes, and whether or not troubled pop star Britney Spears would go for one. The episode will be so technological and informative, simply watching it qualifies your for 9 Psych credits at any state university. So stay tuned.

[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO LONG VERSION PLAYS, TURNS INTO ROCKIN' ELECTRIC GUITAR OVERTOP APPLAUSE AND THE CREDITS. NINETY MINTUES OF THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY AD PLAYS ON A LOOP.]