It’s official: Children hate clowns. A recent study that quizzed 250 children in a pediatric hospital ward found that all 250 of them were afraid of the various clown imagery that decorated the wing. As though terminal illness wasn’t enough. Penny Curtis, a professor who worked on the study, is quoted as saying “We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.”
So what is it about clowns that is so damn terrifying? We decided to find out. Hence, we’d like to present Best Week Ever‘s Top 10 Things That Make Clowns Scary.
10. Big Feet. You know what they say about men with big feet? They have big tendencies to stab you in the face while you sleep. They also have gigantic snow white penises. Gigantic snow white penises Think about it.
9. All Movies Written About Killer Clowns are Probably Based on True Stories. In all seriousness, there was probably at one time or another a heroin-addicted clown named Shakes who was also, strangely, Bob Goldthwait. And what else happens in Derry, Maine if not for a child-killing clown named It? But perhaps no movie was more scarring to the reputation of clowns than the 1988 classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space, a likely true story about puke-inducing alien clowns with pointy teeth and evil eyes who trap their victims in cotton candy cocoons. If ever a movie scarred my small, child brain at the age of 7, it was KK from OS.
8. Grown Men with Freckles Painted on Their Face is Inherently Terrifying. Enough said.
7. Most Clowns Are Alcoholics and Urinate Everywhere. Tell-tale sign number one that most to all clowns are alkies? They have humongous flame red bulbous noses. Tell-tale sign number two that most clowns are probably hitting the sauce with a green-gloved fist? Wouldn’t you bathe in apple-tinis if your entire life was based around living a paint-faced lie? And as far as urinating everywhere is concerned, I’m pretty sure circuses don’t have working toilets for a reason. Luckily, because clowns sh*t cotton candy, going number 2 behind a Chevy Pick-up is never really much of a problem.
6. Hyuk Hyuk Laughter. Who the f**k laughs like that? Seriously, have you ever heard a normal, mentally sane person emit a laugh that sounds like their starting the engine of a Model T car? No, really, other than Goofy – who is a 6 foot tall animated Disney Dog who wears pants — I’m pretty sure no human being “Hyuk Hyuk”‘s their way through an episode of Seinfeld, you read me?
5. They Wear Onesies. What sort of baby-ass infantile diaper-fetish craziness is that all about?
4. Clowns Molest People. If you weren’t aware that clowns molest people, do yourself a favor and add the creepumentary Capturing the Friedmans to you Netflix queue.
3. They Can’t Afford More Than 1 Car. Judging by the clowns mode of transportation — a Volkswagen Bug or Serbian-style two-seater that magically fits the driver and 8,000 of his rainbow-colored pals — it appears that clowns don’t actually earn a real living. They can’t even afford the kind of car homeless stoners drive! Meaning that clowns, for whatever reason, choose to do the devil’s work for pittance. Pittance! Which might go to explain why clowns eat their dinner directly out of the can of baked beans instead of a bowl, and why they sometimes use their hands instead of the classier “wooden spoon”.
2. That Red Paint Around Their Lips? The blood of the elderly. That, or fire-engine red lipstick. Either way, creepskies!
1. John Wayne Gacy, or Clowns Will Kill You and Bury You Under Their House. Killer Klowns from Outer Space aside, John Wayne Gacy is, gigantic inflatable hands down, the scariest thing to ever happen within the clown community. Gacy murdered 33 teenagers in his town and buried 31 of those bodies under his house. And, according to Gacy’s wiki page (Warning: Do not read after 5 PM), “He said he used his clown act as an alter ego, once sardonically saying that ‘A clown can get away with murder.'” (throat clear) A CLOWN CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER!!!
Honorable Mention: Insane Clown Posse. Terrifying, no doubt. But ever since The Arsenio Hall Show, we just can’t take the word “posse” seriously anymore.
Feel free to add your own personal stories about nightmare clowns in the comments. And in unrelated news, I have to go pour bleach into my earholes to erase all the clown thoughts pouring through my brainfolds.