Watching last night’s Super Bowl commercials, I realized that the glorious heyday of the ad slogan catchphrase died sometime in the 90′s, and has been replaced almost completely (Dunkin Donuts’ “Doing Things Is What I Like To Do…YES!” being the last intolerable vestige of this lost art form) by ads whose intended appeal is found mostly in their irony-drenched absurdity (A head-shrinker at a car dealership!?! Hey, he’s not supposed to be there!). Determining whether the new contrived wackiness is worse than the old excruciatingly repetitive catchphrases is a moot point because all commercials are just sucky lies to trick you into buying crap that you don’t actually need, but for posterity’s sake, I’ve decided to commemorate what I’ve determined to be the 10 Dumbest Ad Slogans Of All Time.
10. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell (Taco Bell)” – What do you do when your processed stomach poison bears about as much resemblance to real Mexican food as pasta sauce poured over hot garbage? Put a little Spanish 101 into your ad slogan and have an ethnically stereotyped Chihuahua say it over and over so the stoners who actually eat your slop can amuse themselves by going “Yo Quiero, bro” while they shove gorditas down their gullets.
9. “Make 7-Up Yours” (7-Up) - Well 7-Up, I would say that your experiment to see what happens when you let a 5 year-old write ad copy failed miserably. So I guess I’m wondering why you chose to make a sh*tty playground pun the centerpiece of your entire marketing campaign for, what was it like, like six years?
8. “How else can two months’ salary last forever?” (De Beers) - Um I dunno, how about using it to secure your family’s financial future by finding an investment with a little more longterm growth potential than pretty shiny rocks mined by child slaves?
7. “I’d walk a mile for a Camel” (Camel Cigarettes) – No you wouldn’t, Luke Camelwalker. Since you have emphysema after years of chain-smoking, walking is pretty tough on account of the fact that you now need to be rolled around in a wheelchair with the air tank that’s connected to the smoke hole in your trachea. You still look like Joe Cool, though.
6. “Betcha can’t eat just one” (Lays Potato Chips) – Yeah, come on, Fatty McDudetits – eat some more potato chips! We f*cking DARE YOU. Betcha can’t keep your cholesterol at a manageable level! Betcha can’t make it to forty before having your fourth heart attack! Come on, you p*ssy, eat some more of our chips! HONORABLE MENTIONS: “Once You Pop You Can’t Stop” (Pringles), “Crunch All You Want, We’ll Make More” (Doritos).
5. “Tastes Great, Less Filling” (Miller Lite) – Since when have the kind of people who drink Miller Lite given a sh*t about things like flavor or how full they feel while binge-drinking? Yes, back in the 80′s sports bars must have been abuzz with wasted superfans belching and saying things like “You know, Miller Lits really doesn’t have the sophisticated flavor profile of High Life, and feels a bit flat on my palette. Also my tummy is so full!” A far more effective slogan might have sounded something like “Tastes enough like water to suck down the 24 or so beers I require to find enjoyment in anything I do”. Also “Lite” isn’t even spelled correctly.
4. “Can you hear me now?” (Verizon) – You know your ad slogan has to be pretty horrible when an Internet comedy writers feels weird about even continuing to make fun of it because lambasting how infuriatingly annoying it is has actually become hacky in its own right. So yes, we hear you, now please shut the f*ck up.
3. “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” (Las Vegas) - The unmitigated bullsh*t underlying this claim is almost as obnoxious and annoying as the people who actually believe it (or worse, say it). You know what happens in Vegas? Drunk douchebags spending money they don’t really have pretending to be rich in order pick up girls, and when that doesn’t work, just binge-drinking themselves into a “date rapey” frame of mind. And guess what? Those people DON’T stay in Vegas. They come home, sit next to you at work, and won’t shut up for weeks about how far “off the chain” their whole weekend supposedly was.
2. “I’m Lovin’ It” (McDonald’s) – Since when has anyone over the age of 7 actually LOVED anything they put in their mouth that came from McDonald’s? Even for an ad jingle’s forced positivity, this is really f*cking stretching it. More appropriate slogans might be, “I’m Eatin’ It” or “I’m Joylessly Chewin’ What’s In My Mouth Because I Lacked The Time Or the Finances To Find Any Better Dining Option”.
1. “Wazzzuuup?” (Budweiser) – Having finally arrived at the realization that people are going to drink beer no matter what anyone says or does, which makes a beer commercial’s words, thoughts and ideas completely unnecessary, Budweiser finally threw their hands in the air and just gave us a bunch of black dudes yelling two-syllable nonsense noises at each other for thirty seconds or so.
As always, leave your own suggestions in the comments!