Collegehumor’s Gnarly 90s competition already taught us that the 1990s has achieved the level of humorous, impossible datedness that we used to reserve for the 80s. There are countless examples, from neon kneepads to Hornets Starter Jackets, but perhaps no single cultural relic combines in-your-face 90sness with hilarious obsoleteness quite like commercials for 1-800-COLLECT and 1-800-CALL-ATT.
Here are the ten most ridiculous celebrity collect calling advertisements we could dig up from the golden era before cell phones showed up to annoy everyone with their extremely reasonable convenience:
10. David Arquette
I can’t tell what’s more 90s in this commercial — David Arquette’s proximity to something resembling a film career, or that amazing teal blob background.
9. Sarah Michelle Gellar / Buffy ad
I have a chance to get on “Buffy” every time I complete a collect call?? Awesome — counting that call I made from camp when I was seven, that gives me two chances!
8. Carrot Top
I’ll bet no one’s dad ever saw this commercial and said “man, that Carrot Top really gets on my nerves.”
7. Michael Jordan and Verne Troyer
Of all the integrity-laden celebs I’d never expect to see shelling crappy products, it’d surely be these two. What’s next, Christopher Walken and Eugene Levy showing up in sh*tty movies?
6. Ed O’Neil
Not hating on Al Bundy, but is this the lowest budget non-local, non-AIG commercial ever filmed?
5. Arsenio Hall
Tiny Arsenio Hall “loves his job” of sitting on phones and getting called cute by giant humans whom he can never logistically f*ck.
4. Mr. T and Grannies
When they weren’t drinking Pepsi and subsequently parasailing on the Colorado River, old people in the 90s were hanging out with Mr. T and making vicious death threats whenever they drove past someone in mid-collect call at a public phone, which happened a lot.
3. Phil Hartman and Special Celeb Cameo
Everyone’s reaction to watching this video: Wait, why is Phil Hartman starring in th–whaaaaat???
2. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Could Stone Cold Steve Austin shelling 1-800-COLLECT possibly be the 90sest thing in the history of the 90s? What about that time Yahoo Serious danced through a field in a bee costume?
1. O.J. Simpson’s ‘Mom’
Yes, honey, of course I’ll accept the charges. Wait, what?
Any we’re missing? Besides the “who cares, they’re attractive enough” commercials with Alyssa Milano and Jaime Pressly? Leave ‘em in the comments!