TOP CHEF FINALE RECAP: More Like, Bottom Chef, Am I Right People?


Richard n BabyBest Quote: “My daughter said to me, don’t even bother coming home if you don’t win.” — Antonia, current resident of Puerto Rico.

Other Best Quote: “You won the Bronze Medal. Big f*ckin’ deal.” — Richard, after Lisa whined about the chefs not congratulating her. Note that Richard said “Holy smokes!” when he won the car this episode, yet even he reaches for the F-word when Lisa is involved. That’s how much everyone hates Lisa.

Best Product Shot: Basically, everything Puerto Rico-related. They flew to Puerto Rico, attended a super-staged Puerto Rico festival, ran Puerto Rico travel ads during multiple commercial breaks, and the First Lady of Puerto Rico attended the elimination challenge garden party. How frickin’ desperate is Puerto Rico for tourism? Apparently, more desperate than Glad Bag Island (located in the Dutch Antilles).

Two Jokes That Come True: Twice I made a joke about Lisa and it then immediately happened; at the beginning of the episode, when Stephanie, Richard, and Antonia all met up and exchanged kisses in Puerto Rico, I turned to my roommate and said (in a hilarious, Fatty McGee-esque voice) “hey guys, it’s me!” and then seconds later Lisa actually did show up and the music got all awkward and clearly none of the other contestants wanted to see her there. Then, later, I made the same joke later about Stephanie and Richard being really pissed when Lisa wasn’t eliminated, and then they really were noticeably pissed. I’m just happy that all of our Lisa-bashing is echoed in the sentiments of all the competitors.

After the Jump, a quick recap, updated Power Rankings, and my Finale prediction:


— Yes, Antonia’s gone, yes, Lisa’s still alive, but you know what? Stephanie or Richard will win next week, the cosmos will be righted, and there ain’t no prize for third place. Unless there is a prize for third place, in which case, f*ck.

— One of these days, “Top Chef” is gonna call the losers to the Judges Table first, and it is going to BLOW OUR F*CKING MINDS. I’m guessing they’re gonna build it up for at least 8 more seasons before they actually switch the order. But just wait.

— Trust me — as any Jew will tell you, if we hammer pigs, the hammers break.

— I wish they had brought five returning competitors to Puerto Rico and had the contestants choose four as sous chefs, so there could be one quick shot of Mark going “good luck, guys” then getting on a biplane and flying away.

— The finale should be held at a banquet for the Ancient Society of NoLisas, a sister organization to the NoHomers.


1. Stephanie
2. Richard
3. My Ass (movin’ up!)
7. Dale (cooks so well as a guest sous chef, they re-instate him and he wins)
50. Lisa
51. Bald Corndog F*ckup Dude

My prediction a couple months ago of Stephanie over Richard in the Finale? Looking goooood.

Blagg’s prediction a couple months ago of Antonia over Richard in the Finale? Looking baaaaad. More like, Alex Badd, at picking Top Chef winners!

Top Chef Finale Part II predictions in the comments, people! Or Lost predictions. Who cares? Just say something about television then post it.

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