Trouble’s Legal Troubles


You may recall (if you follow estate planning law like I do) that, when Leona Helmsley died, she left a modest $12 million to her maltese 9-year-old dog, Trouble. Yesterday, amd_helmsleydog.jpghowever, some rogue judge decided to REVERSE Leona’s wishes and redirect $10 million of the inheritance to charity. WHAT???

I CALL ACTIVIST-JUDGE ON YOU, Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth! Sure, most puppies don’t deserve 12 million of ANYthing (I’m talking to you, puppy-thrown-off-the-cliff). But have you SEEN this dog? First of all, her name is Trouble. What sort of bitch walks around with a name like Trouble?

This one.

Second of all, Trouble’s yearly living expenses total $190,000. This is money that she needs to SURVIVE. Food, grooming, paying a string quartet to play 10,000 Maniacs’ “Trouble Me” everytime she enters a room… So let’s do the math. 12 million / 190,000 = 63 human years (441 dog years). Leona intended for Trouble to live another 63 years. lhelmsley2.jpgThat’s HER choice. Is it the government‘s job to decide when a dog should live and die?

So how many years does $2 million afford Trouble? A pitiful 10 human years (73 dog years). Are you kidding me? You can’t put a limit on dog life! Next you’re going to tell me that my sea monkeys are only allowed to live for 13 minutes, as opposed to the ripe old age of 25 minutes!

Thirdly, this dog belonged to LEONA F*&^ING HELMSLEY.

The woman was known as the “Queen of Mean”. Judge Roth, are you sure you want her unsettled spirit visiting you in the middle of the night? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to wake up to this woman’s ghost standing at the edge of my bed screeching “Only little people pay taxes!” right before she bends over and sucks the air out of my lungs with her trout-lips.

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