and The Mystery Of Who Molested Corey Haim


(NOTE: This post is intended to be absurdist humor. None of these people actually molested anyone and child molestation, as an institution, is terrible and not funny, even when the subject is broached on a reality show on A&E. Now you may proceed.)

After dropping the “we were both molested” bombshell on their reality show The Two Coreys, troubled teen stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim have set our minds to wondering who could be responsible for something so reprehensible. Feldman says he fell victim to his own assistant, but Haim has remained tight-lipped, offering only that it was one of Feldman’s friends, but also insisting that it was not Michael Jackson, as we’d all reasonably presumed. After conducting an extensive investigation into their early careers, has prepared the following list of Corey-Molesting Suspects. Here are our findings:


Suspect: Alex Winter
Relationship: The Coreys’ Lost Boys co-star
Incriminating Evidence: While we may have thought we knew him as the lovable Bill S. Preston, Esquire, the 80’s time-traveling slacker from the Valley, Ted’s lesser half showed us a darker, more evil side as a leather-jacket-wearing jerry-curled vampire-biker henchman in The Lost Boys, which guess what, also starred Coreys Feldman and Haim.
Odds Of Guilt: 50-1

John Matushak_Sloth.jpg

Suspect: The Guy Who Played Sloth
Relationship: Co-starred with Feldman in Goonies
Incriminating Evidence: The candy-loving freak with superhuman strength who lives in the basement and loves children? Sure he was partial to the portlier kids like Chunk, but come on, there’s something not very trustworthy about the way his eyes never quite seem to line up on that odd, misshapen head of his.
Odds Of Guilt: 30-1


Suspect: Kiefer Sutherland
Relationship: Co-starred with both Coreys in The Lost Boys, and with Feldman in Stand By Me.
Incriminating Evidence: Why did Jack Bauer want to make so many movies playing the bad guy opposite a Corey back in the 80’s? It doesn’t add up. That spiky-haired earringed Brat Pack rebel thing might have lent itself well to the quintessential teen villain thing, but if you ask me, Kiefer just wanted to be near the Coreys. And as the picture above clearly illustrates, molesting a person probably isn’t beneath the guy.
Odds Of Guilt: 25-1

The rest of the Unusual Suspects, after the jump!


Suspect: Spike, the leader of the Gremlins
Relationship: Co-starred with Feldman in Gremlins
Incriminating Evidence: He’s the leader of the Gremlins, for chrissakes. Feed this Mogwai after midnight, and you’ve got horrifying kitchen messes, rebellious flaunting of mohawks, earrings and sunglasses, terrorizing of nice neighborhood people, and mass murder for no particular reason. Also, molesting maybe.
Odds Of Guilt: 10-1


Suspect: Kevin Bacon
Relationship: Fellow popular 80’s actor.
Incriminating Evidence: Both Haim and Feldman have Bacon Numbers of 2 and Bacon played a child molester once in that movie The Woodsman. I know it’s a long shot, but I’m just sayin’.
Odds Of Guilt: 1000-1


Suspect: That Creepy Red-Headed Guy Who Played Hans Klopek in The ‘Burbs
Relationship: Co-starred with Feldman in The ‘Burbs.
Incriminating Evidence: This dude single-handedly turned a Tom Hanks comedy about the suburbs into something that actually gave me nightmares. Even to my young innocent mind, something about this unwashed red-headed mouth-breather in a wifebeater clearly screamed, “I MOLEST THINGS!”
Odds Of Guilt: 3-1


Suspect: R. Kelly
Relationship: None that I know of.
Incriminating Evidence: Come on, he’s R. F*cking Kelly. If someone got molested, there’s about a 1-in-4 chance he did it.
Odds Of Guilt: About 4-1.


Suspect: The Football Team From Lucas
Relationship: Terrorized Corey Haim (Lucas) throughout Lucas.
Incriminating Evidence: Umm, am I the only one who seems to remember Piven and the rest of his jock pals holding poor Corey Haim down in the locker room and rubbing Icy Hot all over his pre-pubescent balls? Unless I’m missing something, that IS molestation. This is clearly what Haim was talking about on The Two Coreys. Mystery solved.
Odds Of Guilt: 1-1

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