Miss USA Is a Trip!


MISS VENEZUELA.jpgWhat better way to wrap up a weekend spent working on your fake tan and getting your silicon implants rotating than to hunker down on your yoga mat with a couple of lines of powdered Crystal Light and tune in to the 2008 Miss Universe pagaent? Yes, this year’s cut-throat Miss Universe pagaent aired live from Vietnam on NBC last night, and as per usual, the competition boiled down to which stunning South American amazonian woman had the most coherently non-retarded answer. The pagaent has certainly changed with modern times. It seemed that neraly all of the ladies were sporting some rock-hard bosoms, puffed-up lips, and I actually CHECKED the settings on my friend’s television when it appeared that some of the women were hot pink. That was some Gene Wilder sh*t right thurr.

For those Americans reading, it is nice to know that our very own Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, was chosen as one of the Top 12 contestants. Crystle was very pretty and will have an illustrious career playing blood-sucking alien dominatrixes once all this pagaent stuff dies down. But sadly, and much like last year’s Miss USA, Crystle ate linoleum during the evening gown portion of the show. If you missed the fall, we bring it to you here in slow motion. Analysis to follow:

Now, as someone who slips and falls in public on a near tri-daily basis, I consider myself something of an expert on “vazlined floors”, and “recovery”. Last year, the contestant Rachel Smith fell on her ass and tried to chalk it up to being “part of her routine”. She was visibly shaken — much like I was after falling down a flight of stairs head first, directly into my friend’s rusted knives collection — and rather than have a sense of humor about it, chose instead to run backstage, slap a bitch, and cry.

But I liked Crystle’s style! She got up, and, with an “I ain’t mad!” expression on her face, clapped her troubles away. Then, she boarded an invisible magic carpet, and took a quick spin over a little known country know as Fiercestonia. Miss Thang was struttin’ like Big Brown on race day (before the broken hoof, obvs.)

After the jump, an extended clip, with an odd Vietnamese dance routine, and Miss USA’s follow-up. Miss Venezuela, a FORMER KIDNAP VICTIM, ended up winning, even though I was rooting for the Dominican Republic, what with her intelligence, grace, and gorgeous Liberace broken-mirror-dress.

That’s how you walk off a fall, folks!

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