This weekend my friend was telling me about a bachelor party he attended recently, which took them to a strip club, where they witnessed a girl stripping to the song No More I Love You’s by Annie Lennox. We laughed at how out of place this song is for a strip joint, and I began to wonder what on earth made this woman choose a song that conjures up either the image of a Tim-Burton-esque drag queen ballet, or Pete Holmes doing his Ray Romano impression. Perhaps she was taking the whole stripping-as-art thing to a new level? It’s hard to imagine your regular Scores customer getting it.
Of course, that’s why I’m calling these the weirdest striptease songs – not necessarily the least sexy. Because, after all, who are we to judge the special bond between a stripper and her client? If you wanna dress up in a bear suit and watch a girl strip to the theme song from Gummi Bears, that’s your business. Nevertheless, if you’re a stripper and are looking to avoid freaking everyone out, you might want to take a gander at this list. (And please tell us in the comments: what’s the weirdest song you ever heard played in a strip club?)
18. The Circle Of Life from The Lion King. The only circle of life in this strip club is the one inside the stripper’s vagina.
17. Tip Toe Through The Tulips by Tiny Tim. Um, no.
16. Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. The saddest song ever written about getting stuck living in a shelter and having no opportunities = awwwwkward.
15. Upside Down by Jack Johnson. The stripper may be sliding down the pole upside down, but anything that conjures the image of little kids happily watching Curious George should not be allowed in a strip club.
14. You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban. This raises the question: should a striptease also make you feel like you’re riding on the wings of an eagle, and bring tears of joy to your eye?
13. How To Disappear Completely by Radiohead. “I’m not here / This isn’t happening”
12. Last Caress by The Misfits. I guess a serial killer might like this one.
11. The Tori Amos cover of Eminem’s 97 Bonnie & Clyde. Because a creepy spoken-word piece about a man murdering his wife in front of his baby is so hot.
10. Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow by Frank Zappa. It’s just a weird song, period: “Watch out where the huskies go, don’t you eat that yellow snow!”
9. This Used To Be My Playground by Madonna. Let’s hope this strip club wasn’t your childhood dream.
8. From A Distance by Bette Midler. From a distance, this stripper might be attractive.
7. The Living Years by Mike & The Mechanics. Because while you’re enjoying a striptease, it’s really not the time to finally get the courage up to tell your son that you’re proud of him.
6. Awesome God by Michael W. Smith. God is awesome for creating boobies, but still. So wrong.
5. Kermit The Frog’s cover of Nine Inch Nails’ Hurt. Evidence here.
4. Daughter by Pearl Jam. Dad? Is that you?
3. Luka by Suzanne Vega. It’s kind of like not wanting to know where your chicken comes from…do you really want to know what childhood abuse led to this evening’s entertainment?
2. Trouble In The Jungle, the Bindi Irwin rap song. Evidence here. Warning: watching this video may prevent you from ever achieving another erection.
1. Everyone Has AIDS from Team America: World Police Soundtrack. Self-explanatory.