Tom Cruise was once a famous movie star. He made great movies like Risky Business and Top Gun. But then he married Nicole Kidman. Hollywood’s most popular star and a tall blonde Australian? Nobody believed the marriage was real. Tom further alienated his public with his involvement in the Church of Scientology.
Tom put more nails in his own coffin following his 2001 divorce from Kidman. First he dated Penélope Cruz. Hollywood’s most popular star and a Spanish bombshell? Nobody could believe it was real. Cruise further alienated his public when he made movies like Vanilla Sky. Then Cruise dumped Cruz and announced he had fallen in love with Katie Holmes. Hollywood’s most popular star and the beauty from Dawson’s Creek? It stank like a publicity stunt.
But Tom was determined to prove the world wrong. While guesting on Oprah, he got so excited over his romance that he jumped up and down on her couch. “That’s how I feel about it! Really!” he cried. Sorry, Tom. Not buying it. And nobody wants to see a short man acting like a drunk leprechaun.
Cruise went on a rampage. He wagged his finger at Matt Lauer on Today as he preached Scientology’s anti-psychiatry gospel and slammed Brooke Shields for battling depression with meds. With “jumping the couch” entering the lexicon, getting people to see a Tom Cruise movie became a Mission: Impossible. Lions for Lambs was stillborn in theaters, and the upcoming Nazi flick Valkyrie is scheduled to open on the twelfth of never.
Zac Efron, we hope you’ve been paying attention. — Charles Bottomley