Top 25 Athletes In Bewildering Uniforms


With Brett Favre headed to the Jets less than a week after Ken Griffey Jr. joined the White Sox and Manny Ramirez packed his bags for Los Angeles, now is as good a time as any to take a look back at some images of star athletes clad in absolutely bewildering uniforms. From career footnotes to impossible defections, here’s our list of the Top 25 Most Bewildering Athlete / Uniform Combos.

25. Shaquille O’Neal, Phoenix Suns

The up-tempo, run n’ gun offense finally got their man.


24. Wade Boggs, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Yes, he took some flack for signing with the Yankees after playing with the Red Sox, but at least both of those were official, accredited sporting organizations.


23. Ken Stabler, New Orleans Saints

Too bad he retired long before the concept of “Fantasy Football” and “garbage yards.”


22. Mark Messier, Vancouver Canucks

Trevor Linden does a really convincing Mess impression.


21. Mike Piazza, Florida Marlins

Please, please go into the Hall of Fame as a Marlin. ‘Cause Mark Kotsay is probably gonna go in as an Athletic.

Piazza marlins

20. Franco Harris, Seattle Seahawks

I’ve been to the Seattle airport but must’ve missed Franco’s statue when I was coming through the terminal…


19. Hakeem Olajuwon, Toronto Raptors

Nice Photoshop, NBA.


18. Johnny Unitas, San Diego Chargers

Back when their jerseys were just square instead of gang-indicating.


17. Scottie Pippen, Portland Trail Blazers

Sadly, he played much of his career in the overwhelming shadow of Bonzi Wells.

Pippen Blazers

16. Bobby Orr, Chicago Blackhawks

Ticket prices soared to $3.00 after Orr’s much-heralded arrival and they haven’t gone up since.


15. Patrick Ewing, Orlando Magic

What a storyline — the two most obvious instances of the NBA rigging the draft together at last!

Ewing Magic

14. Jerry Rice, Seattle Seahawks

Personally, I’ll always remember him in his prime with the Oakland Raiders.


13. Andre Agassi, Adidas

Left Nike after 17 years to sign with Adidas in 2005, though he refused to wail paint-covered balls at a wall for any camera company other than Canon.


12. Gordie Howe, Hartford Whalers

To be fair, Howe was 83 at the time and happened to wander onto the ice in a jersey that he thought was an electric blanket, but I believe this still counts.


11. Johnny Damon, New York Yankees

His traitorous defection across rivalry lines nearly eclipsed that of lefty relief specialist Mike Myers.


10. Joe Montana, Kansas City Chiefs

Completely worth it for the “GOOO DEEEP JOE!!!” Sega commercial.

Montana Chiefs

9. Karl Malone, L.A. Lakers

I’ll never begrudge an athlete for taking a 1-year contract at the end of his career so he can not win a championship.


8. Emmitt Smith, Arizona Cardinals

Did the Cardinals forget that they weren’t a flagship team from a new professional sports league needing to overpay aging stars to gain notoriety?


7. Wilt Chamberlain, San Diego Conquistadors

When you’ve already banged all the groupies in one professional basketball league…


6. David Beckham, LA Galaxy

He is playing soccer in the America but I hear of him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beckham Galaxy

5. Michael Jordan, Chicago White Sox

If he hadn’t switched sports, the aliens would’ve stolen his talent, we would’ve lost that intergalactic game, and the aliens would be raping our wives and daughters as we speak.

Jordan White Sox

4. Willie Mays, New York Mets

Who can forget that routine fly ball he caught in center field to save Game 7 of the regular season for the Mets that year…


3. Wayne Gretzky, St. Louis Blues

Quite possibly the greatest 31 games of his career, if you equate “greatness” with “number of primary colors on uniform.”

Gretzky Blues

2. Joe Namath, L.A. Rams

AKA, “Rodeo Drive” Joe.


1. Michael Jordan, Washington Wizards

The one footnote in the history of sports that even the most vehement recordkeepers would very happily “accidentally” strike from the record, lest alien civilizations somehow discover our remains and come to know Michael Jordan solely as “The Flaming Faggot guy”.


BONUS: Becky Hammon, Russian National Basketball Team

If this story had occurred in the 80s, she would’ve been murdered by the CIA and KGB simultaneously, probably several times over.


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Cris Carter, Dolphins; Sammy Sosa, Orioles; Billy Martin, Royals; Boomer Esiason, Cardinals; Ray Bourque, Avalanche; John Starks, Bulls; Tom Seaver, Red Sox; Walt Frazier, Cavs; Guy LaFleur, Nordiques; Dave Parker, Blue Jays; Allen Iverson, Nuggets; Jim Edmonds, Cubs; Sergei Federov, Blue Jackets; countless others.

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