Who’s The Gay Rapist Actor? Scandalist Has Its Suspects

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Page Six did everybody in the gossip world a huge favor earlier this week by posting a blind item about a closeted summer movie star who violently raped his ex-boyfriend and paid for the victim’s silence with a half million. Plenty of informed conjecture has followed, with one helpful tipster claiming Will Smith was the one getting jiggy with it, albeit consensually. Other names tossed around include Christian Bale, Vin Diesel and James Franco. Zzz. You think any of these celebs could keep this a secret? Think outside the box, people!

With this slow news week coming to a close, Scandalist is proud to share its theories on all this hubbub and hearsay. Proud.

Seth Rogen. Dude can’t write a script without filling it with violent homoeroticism.  People who suspect James Franco forget that he was the nailee in Pineapple Express. Rogen was the top in that clinch, and is therefore the more likely suspect. And don’t say he ain’t a heartthrob! Lots of women love the schlub.

Aaron Eckhart. The curse of The Dark Knight strikes again! Heath Ledger dies, Christian Bale yells at his mommy, and this straight-laced Mormon reveals his dark side. He played “Two-Face,” remember? Two-Face. Think about it.

Harrison Ford. “Gay rapist” would totally explain that moustache.

Pierce Brosnan. Anyone who saw him sing in Mamma Mia couldn’t help but feel a little scared for their ass.

Hopefully someone will get to the bottom of this—if we gossip bloggers haven’t already hit it.