90210: How Bad Does It Suck?

|

We’d be lying if we said we weren’t a little (read: totally) excited to see the new 90210. Initially, our borderline unhealthy crush on Dylan from the original show rendered us blind to the obvious signs of desperation inherent in the marketing: You wanna live in the zip, you gotta live by the code? Um, no thanks. Really. And now, after two hours and 72 commercial breaks, our heart is a little broken and all we can say (even knowing the show is a ratings juggernaut) is Holy cliché.

But first? A memory:


We have no words, only a tear rolling down our cheek as we’re whisked back to a more familiar time — a time when David Silver danced. A time when Ray Pruit threw Donna down the stairs. A time when the dude from Grey’s Anatomy wasn’t yet the dude from Grey’s Anatomy.

Instead, what we’re faced with now is a time when Lori Loughlin was still in Full House and OH MY GOD MICHAEL FROM THE WIRE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

From the “A Very Special Episode” topics of pill addiction, plagiarizing and back-stabbing best friends (now with blogging abilities!) to the unbelievably stereotypical characters — this remake is full of reasons to cringe. Did Ethan (pictured above) really leave the party to go surfing? That’s not half as entertaining as when Emily Valentine slipped Brandon “Euphoria” at a rave in the first 90210, thank you very much. Why is no one accidentally shooting themselves in the head here? Is that too much to ask?

It’s not all bad, though – Jim Walsh 2.0. is sort of hot. He’s also ROB ESTES (pictured at right), aka: Kyle F-Ing MCBRIDE from Melrose Place? Isn’t that like breaking down of the fourth wall and/or disrupting the space-time continuum or something? Guess not.

At least there’s the Peach Pit. But it’s just not the same, especially not the music. Gone are the days of Color Me Badd, The Cardigans, or our favorite — Jade! popping in as an awkward precursor to some domestic violence, maybe a stabbing or perhaps the protagonist’s dad getting blown up by a car bomb. Now? We get MGMT and Tilly and the Wall. So cool. So innocuous.

On the upside: You can make a killer drinking game by coordinating shots with Naomi’s nose flares (see her at left). And since there’s nothing we hate more than a skinny girl chowing down on a burger and fries, we appreciate that the Beverly Hills High cafeteria trays only housed a small salad and Dr. Pepper.

OK, now we’re just reaching for reasons to like it. Sigh.

90210, we’re breaking up with us.

But like Brenda and Dylan, we’ll get back together — if only to see the triumphant return of Brenda and Kelly and to see how long the writers can drag out the identity of the principal’s bastard child.
— Evan G.