Like many people my age, I grew up watching Beverly Hills 90210, and so like a moth to the flame, I simply had to tune in to see what modern times and The CW has done to the denizens of West Beverly High. I thought you might like to experience this heart-wrenching exercise in nostalgia-rape with me, so I decided to liveblog the whole thing.
00:01 – The opening bars of that latest Coldplay song begin, trumpeting the dawn of a new era in overblown Los Angeles-based teenage TV drama. No soundtrack by The Heights here. This ain’t your daddy’s 90210!
00:30 – Holy sh*t, what’s Michael from The Wire doing here? Is this what happened when he finally got out of Baltimore? That would sort of be the same plot at as The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Also, are these Beverly Hills bimbos gonna have any idea that they’re going to school with one of Marlo Stanfield’s hardest street killers?
02:00 – And Lucille Bluth is here, this time playing…uh, Lucille Bluth! I hope the guy who made Arrested Development is at least getting royalties for her character.
04:00 – Our first West Beverly Hills High exterior montage. Palm trees! Sports Cars! Hot Girls! So Beverly Hills, you guys.
04:30 – Not even five minutes in and we’ve already got our first act of teenage fellatio, and in the front seat of a car parked directly outside of a high school in broad daylight nonetheless! I can tell this dreamboat “Ethan” is going to be a real handful – or mouthful (hey-O!).
05:00 - And we finally meet the inevitable “arty outsider rebel filmmaker guy” character in the journalism class. Why does this guy have to show up in every one of these teen shows? Guys, keep it down – he’s “producing this package”…
06:00 – Hey, it’s the scruffy Superbad-referencing hipster highschool teacher in his early 30′s – I wonder which of the barely legals is gonna sleep with him first!
07:00 – Ohmygod it’s a picture of Kelli! And wait, she’s all growns up now! And she works at West Beverly High? She’s probably gonna do it with this dreamy new principal, but that would be so dramatic.
08:00 – The Alpha Teen Queens are sniffing each other out. Why are the popular girl’s sidekicks always texting somebody on these shows? Wait, is that why those phones are called Sidekicks?
Read the rest, after the jump!
08:30 - Uh oh, BJ Ethan is dating the popular girl – no way! Keep brining me this crazy dramz, 90210.
10:00 – Holy sh*t they updated the iconic 90210 theme song! It’s like Michael Bay got geeked to the gills on meth, then reinterpreted the song along with an ensemble of shredding guitars led by the new Motley Crue.
13:00 – Uh-oh, the first teen drug deal is going down in the parking lot. Inside the hollowed-out book appears to be an assortment of prescription pills. How modern. These kids can’t even bother themselves with abusing drugs more interesting than adderall and Lexapro.
14:00 – “Where’d you get the Division Day sticker, new kid?” Did the ghost of Ernest Hemingway write this pilot? Oh and this Hot Topic girl is so sassy, and remarkably attractive for a teenage girl who’s actively chosen to alienate herself from her peers! And she has a website! I smell trouble…
15:00 – The dreamy principal and the popular girl’s mom have history…of course.
16:00 – Oh noes! Nat is STILL slangin’ drinks at The Peach Pit, and now he’s even been reduced to making lattes and frappuccinos!?! I bet he even has to sell energy drinks and other newfangled beverages he’ll never understand. Poor guy is too old to still be playing sideline ref for these blithering teentards. I just died a little on the inside.
26:00 – And now we see the real truth, that the kids these days don’t even care about Nat’s wholesome drinking environment, but actually hang out at some nightclub called “The Pit”. What a sad indictment of our youth.
29:00 – “When I was her age, Ricardo Montalban literally cracked an egg on my ass.” Oh man, I might watch this show just for my Lucille Bluth fix.
30:00 – MGMT, Tilly and the Wall, and now The Ting Tings? This soundtrack is basically an Urban Outfitters compilation CD that comes free when you buy two or more ridiculous t-shirts.
34:00 - Hot Topic’s got a blog! The Vicious Circle! Half a million hits (because outside of Beverly Hills High, SO MANY people want to hear the rantings of a misanthropic teenage girl)! She makes mean poorly-rendered flash animations! SO MUCH DRAMZ!!!! AND YOU CAN’T MAKE HER STOP, BECAUSE “CAUSING TROUBLE IS WHAT A BLOG IS SUPPOSED TO DO!” I think I just fell in love.
39:00 – Why is the Musical Theater department doing Contemporary Christian numbers as performed by the Pussycat Dolls?
47:00 – “Dude don’t be such a puss. Who cares about that puss?” Anyone who can say “puss” twice in the same breath is my new favorite character. With all his aggressive macho-meathead fighting, I’d say this George dude is like the less friendly version of Steve Sanders.
54:00 - The first of what I imagine will be many completely overblown “My Super Sweet 16″ parties at some douchey nightclub in Hollywood that would actually never in a million years serve booze to a roomful of high school kids. Oh look, Cory Kennedy and The Cobrasnake Guy are there for no particular reason! This show has so much indie cred!
58:00 – Why would the angry Hot Topic blogger girl be at Ms. Popularity’s party?
1:05:00 – The school got vandalized with trash! The jocks are SO PISSED! They love their school, and somebody messed with it!
1:08:00 – Annie just fell in love with the gay boy in the high school musical. He looks like Zac Efron on stilts.
1:09:00 – HAHA the popular girl has a tramp stamp, and it’s Chinese characters! Wait, is this actually a comedy and I’ve just been missing the irony this whole time?
1:10:00 – “I think this might be my best blogisode yet.” Umm, I’m a professional blogger, and I’ve never heard of a ‘blogisode’.
1:21:00 – I’m not even halfway through the second hour of the pilot and I’m already having real trouble with caring about this show anymore.
1:22:00 – Wow, the gay boy from the musical is taking Annie on his private jet…to San Francisco.
1:24:00 - So the scruffy hipster highschool teacher wants to knock boots with Kelly Taylor. And she’s got a kid! I wonder if it’s Dylan’s?
1:26:00 – One of the characters’ dad is a porn producer!?! What happened to the wholesome 90210 I used to know?
1:28:00 – Brenda Walsh alert! The Doherty has landed. Brandon still likes Mega Burgers…and Kelly! Okay this show has now taken some kind of crazy nostalgic right turn for me, like a dream about a memory where the kids from The Hills show up.
1:32:00 – Lucille was in a car accident!?! She had better not die, because I’ll definitely never watch this show again.
1:46:00 – I just realized the pill-popping girl who wants to be an actress is sort of the Donna Martin of the cast.
1:47:00 – Wow, angry Hot Topic Blog Girl has the same tramp stamp as Miss Popularity! They used to be best friends, but then secrets got out! So she turned to blogging! (Incidentally, this is also why I turned to blogging.)
1:52:00 - Why can’t parents be more understanding when you secretly fly off to San Francisco on some gay boy’s jet?
1:53:00 - “Are you breaking up with me?” “I’m breaking up with us.” Uh, what does that even mean? It’s the same thing.
1:55:00 – Oh you can already see Brenda licking her chops over Scruffy Hipster Highschool Teacher guy. OLD SCHOOL 90′S DRAMZ!!!
1:56:00 - How do you ground somebody from texting?
1:58:00 – I can’t believe it, Hot Guy Ethan saw Annie kissing Hot Gay Guy! Are they ever going to get together!?!
A minor character better die in a tragic accident soon, or I doubt I’m going to be able to sustain a prolonged interest in a show that makes Gossip Girl look like a work of timeless genius. Though I guess it makes a certain amount of sense – 90210 is nothing if not the LA to Gossip Girl’s New York.