9021-Orange Juice And Vodka, Ms. Taylor?! (Episode 2 Recap)

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OK so it’s Episode Two and Naomi has daddy issues, Silver has mommy issues and Dixon can, like, totally understand because he’s adopted and has spent a lot of time around drunk people!

Naomi — the apparent butt of the 90210 stylist’s joke — changes from her all-denim jumper (shorts?!!?) into a more, um, sophisticated silk pantsuit with matching pantaloons and Bride of Frankenstein hair to discover her father is a cheater and her mother doesn’t care! Thankfully this scene allows her pill-popping, severe-banged best friend to deliver the best line of the night:

Naomi: “You sound pitchy.”
Pill-Popper: “Uh, You sound bitchy!”

Hilarious, right? Cue Naomi’s signature horse-faced whinny!

Ethan cleverly turns the word “Spencer” into a verb in a vain attempt to flirt awkwardly with Annie. And remember when Brandon “Mega-Burger” Walsh called Kelly at 3am from BELIZE to tell her how beautiful she is? Surely this means he’s the father of her BASTARD SON? Right? But wait. The child has curly blonde locks and that can only mean one thing: STEVE SANDERS. OK, that’s probably not the case. It’s totally Dylan’s baby. Mystery solved. The end.

And according to the mother of the year – the one and only Jackie Taylor (already D-listed’s Hot Slut of the Day! Way to age gracefully Ann Gillespie!) – he’s a deadbeat dad all the way. That’s right – Mama Taylor makes her comeback, drink in hand exuding all the boozy swagger this show was missing. Kelly and Jackie exchange unkind words in a pretty anti-climatic fight that ends with Kelly taking her sister back to her house for an ending montage of “families come in all shapes, sizes and dysfunction,” including an extra-special clip of Kelly catching popcorn kernels in her mouth while her son and sister laugh heartily, which can only mean of course that she is the world’s most excellent mother.

But none of that matters because next week … Brenda is back! And she’s bringing the back-stabbing, boyfriend-stealing, don’t-think-I’ll-ever-forget-what-you-did-with-Dylan-when-I-was-in-Paris mojo with her. Holla!

Seriously, with all this excitement we can’t even think about the first 59 minutes of last night’s episode, but only of the my-heart-be-still previews where we’re promised more West Beverly Alum cameos to bring the Botox and the drama. We don’t know what the show has in store for us, but in a perfect world, it would be one or all of the following:

  • One of Mr. Matthews “Juvi” children actually hails from the womb of the late, great Emily Valentine. Euphoria!
  • Jim and Carol Walsh show up with a paternity test and a pretty convincing argument that their supposed “grandson” looks a little too much like Steve.
  • Kelly and Jackie Taylor really do go to another meeting, hold hands and give it up to a higher power.
  • ANYTHING that brings Andrea back.

and this …

We are so looking forward to next week. Horse-faced whinnies all around!!

Oh and confession? We sorta heart Privileged. Marco’s “Poor Rumer Willis, she never wears it better” made us laugh — albeit shamefully — out loud. — Evan G.

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