The “Butt Bandit” Has Fearful Nebraska Town In His Clenches


175614__stern_l.jpgIt’s too bad every town can’t be Gotham City, each with their own Dark Knights protecting the populous from heinous supervillains with scary names and dangerous obsessions. One such depraved evil-doer, a man known only as The Butt Bandit, has been tormenting a small Nebraska town for more than a year now, and despite their best efforts, the traditional law enforcement agencies seem unable to put an end to his reign of anal terrorism. From the AP Story:

Beginning more than a year ago, some man has been skipping from one business to another at night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both — on windows. Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. […]

The police chief is far from amused. “It’s not funny,” McBride said. “We’re worried about the next step.”

Not funny is right. If only there were a real caped crusader who could deliver these poor people, and their lube-smeared windows, from these terrifying atrocities. Someone calling themselves The Buttplug, perhaps? Anyway, if comic-crazed Hollywood is paying any kind of attention, all those Dark Knight sequel casting concerns about a villain crazy enough to fill The Joker’s purple shoes could be easily assuaged by the introduction of The Butt Bandit to Gotham City. It’s the role Will Ferrell was born to play.

But in all seriousness, if you or anyone you know has any information regarding the whereabouts of The Butt Bandit, we beseech you to do the right thing and call the Valentine, Nebraska authorities on their special Butt Bandit Tips hotline 1-800-ASS-GRAB.

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