The ad to your right appeared today on a Wall Street Journal website. You may not have known this, but the injuries John McCain sustained in ‘Nam while being Tortured For America left him with a curious side-effect: the ability to jump back and forth in time, like a much older version of that guy from Quantum Leap. That’s really the only way I can explain his campaign paying to run ads declaring victory in a debate that hasn’t even occurred yet. In fact, it wasn’t clear until only a few minutes ago whether or not there would even BE a debate tonight, but apparently John McCain has seen the future and is here to tell us that there will be, and that he wins it. Actually, the only reason he suspended his campaign earlier this week is because he’d already been to the future, realized he would win the debate, and thus felt like the only way he could give Obama a sporting chance would be to try to change fate and cancel the debate altogether. He’s such a maverick. A time-traveling maverick. One thing, though – while you’re gandering into the future in your time-traveling Straight-Talk-Express Delorean, Mr. McCain, would you might giving us a head’s up on whether or not the entire global economy crumbles on itself and soon renders the whole planet into a scorched, post-apocalyptic wasteland where humanity has broken into primitive tribes of street warriors killing each other for the last drops of oil that can be sucked out of the Earth? We’d like to know.
I wonder what else happens in the future that John McCain already knows about? I smell a photoshop contest! Leave your best photoshopped futuristic renderings in the comments or send them to email@example.com, and we’ll give a prize to our favorite.
Also, for you commenters who feel outraged about the fact that we don’t make fun of Barack Obama for doing sh*t like this: it’s because Barack Obama doesn’t do sh*t like this.