THE OFFICE PREMIERE: Gooooooo Tee!

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DWIGHT TYPE FACE.jpgWEEK 1, June 30

It begins. Theme song. Tears of joy. Summer is over? I can’t take it. There’s cake, there’s fondue, there are Stanley’s favorites… dumplings. I am f**king starving, so this isn’t helping. Corporate is sponsoring a weight loss contest in exchange for 3 vacation days. Stanley wants to take the leftovers home to his wife (where, hopefully, something will need to be toasted), while Creed offers to bring the leftovers to his shelter. Dwight sprays everything with Dust-Off, rendering it unedible and yet ironically dust-free.

Let us now take a moment to remember that Angela and Andy are engaged. And, more importantly, they’ve never seen each other naked. The gang heads down to the wearhouse for weigh in time with Darryl. Dwight encourages them all to quickly eat an eclair to up their starting weight. I shall finish this paragraph with the following epithet: “Hold it in your mouth if you can’t swallow.”

DWIGHT TYPE FACE6.jpgBreaking news in the world of JAM: Pam is leaving Scranton! To go to school in New York. Breaking News Part 2: Kevin is still retarded. At least according to Holly (and Angela.) Stanley has decided to lose weight on his own in order to get back to his Black Panther Chic days. Michael’s still crushing on Holly in a big way, and Dwight hammers an apple into the vending machine. All is normal at Dunder Mifflin.

Oscar and Holly have a quick chat, where her “I’m a Lesbian” joke sort of bombs in an epic way. Doesn’t she realize that’s Angela’s beat? She truly is the female Michael.

Then we see Dwight and Angela practically doing it in the wearhouse. (pause) Then we see Dwight and Angela practically doing it in the wearhouse. It is pretty amazing. And Dwight has the same beeper I bought from a drug dealer on the box ball court in 8th grade.

It’s Pam’s time to leave for the big city, and Michael BOLTS out of his office to catch her. He basically tumbles down 3 flights of stairs in order to utter his last word: Seagulls. And in other news, WHY IS MEREDITH SO BURNED?

Michael and Holly fake rap. Ed McMahon is proud.

The recap continues after the cut, including a video of the entire episode!
DWIGHT TYPE FACE5.jpg WEEK 3, July 14

Goodbye Pam, Hello Ronnie!

It’s Pam’s first day in class, and everything seems to be going swimmingly… only, she’s in the wrong class. Let’s face it — schedules are hard. But not as hard as Miracle Cleansing, the quick fix lemonade weight loss plan that Kelly Kapoor is sticking to to lose some quick poundage. I love Miracle Cleanse Kelly, and hope to see more (or less) of her in future episodes.

Jan is back, she’s pregnant, and looks fantastic. No word on who the baby daddy is, but here’s to hoping they write the birth into the storyline. Michael in the delivery room is what my people like to refer to as “Emmy Gold.” Angela and Kevin get into a fight, and Holly learns the harsh truth: Kevin is not retarded. He’s just fat and kind of slow. He’s Kevin. In unrelated news, Phyllis has a charming new hairstyle and color. Pam and Jim have a Skype conversation on a thoughtfully placed Apple laptop, but is quickly intercepted by Michael Scott, who transports this digital floating Pam head over to her old desk to meet Ronnie. (Side note: Poor Ronnie.)

DWIGHT TYPE FACE13.jpgIt’s weigh in time! And despite everyone’s best efforts, the group somehow gained 5 pounds. Who is the mole?

And then, Kelly Kapoor faints.

WEEK 4: July 21

Michael’s goatee. No. Just — I can’t.

Phyllis catches Angela and Dwight knocking clogs, and blackmails her way to head of the Party Planning Committee.

QUOTE BREAK: “I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for 7 years” — Michael

DWIGHT TYPE FACE8.jpgMichael asks each employee to lose 5 pounds (and for Jim, 65.) Michael throws Jim some condoms for his Pam visit. And Andy keeps getting shut down by Angela, who is two-timing him basically in front of his face. Poor Andy. The Dunder party is a nightmare. It’s all fruit and Dolly Parton and goatee. So the “cool kids” (everyone minus Michael, Holly, Dwight and Poor Ronnie) has a separate celebration in the warehouse with cake. Then Dwight kicks over their cake.

Once again, who is gaining weight?

WEEK 5, July 28

Ryan is back. Goooooooo-tee! And, in the sexiest secretary scene we’ve seen since Maggie Gyllenhaal saddled up, he’s taking over for Pam as the new receptionist. And he’s got a lot of making up today round the office. Then, Kelly swallowed a tapeworm. Sold to her by Creed. That wasn’t a tapeworm.

DWIGHT TYPE FACE12.jpgWho THE HELL is gaining weight? Andy is not having it. Holly’s date with Oscar’s hot yoga teacher went well. Not seen? Michael Scott vomiting from sorrow. He calls Jim into the office and blames him for suggesting Michael be friends with Holly before lovers. Then Dwight selects three random names for liposuction: Stanley Phyllis Kevin. Later, in an effort to apologize, he offers to take Phyllis to a possible business deal where they will split the commission 60/40. She accepts, and I think, smiles her little Phyllis smile.

Ryan apologizes to Kelly for treating her badly. He blames 9/11 (don’t we all?) and then suggests she pick him up at 8 for a drink. But she can’t! Because she’s in love with Darryl! His goatee has never looked weaker. Minutes later, Kelly and Darryl are making out on the reception couch.

Jim has been forced to lunch with Holly and Michael.

QUOTE BREAK: The Dreadmill!

DWIGHT TYPE FACE10.jpgHere’s something exciting! Rich Sommer, who plays the bespeckled Harry Crane on Mad Men, makes an appearance as one of Pam’s classmates in New York. Will he possibly lure little Pammy away from Jim? Probably not, but oh, the ~drama~. He will clearly make a move.

Dwight pushed Phyllis out of a car in a bad part of town, forcing her to walk 5 miles back to work. She calls David Wallace.

WEEK 6, August 4

No Weigh-In This Week.

Michael comes into the conference room in a fatsuit. Quite literally, it’s a suit that is fat.

Meet Michael Clump, Michael’s “fat man” persona based on Eddie Murphy’s The Nutty Professor. Speaking of which, Dwight can do a KILLER Fat Albert impression! “I said I sit I sit I sit I sit on you.” And can you really blame Mindy Kaling for not being able to keep a straight face during this scene? It’s just too much. She’s a beautiful Indian woman! Ryan thinks… she’s perfect. And Creed chimes in that she’s got a hell of an ass.

DWIGHT TYPE FACE11.jpg “This big fat pig is beautiful.”

Ryan shaved his goatee. And Pam half-flirts with her new fake boyfriend in class.

QUOTE BREAK: “I hate that there’s a worm inside of me.”

DWIGHT TYPE FACE14.jpgWEEK 7, August 11

Let’s just take a minute to savor Dwight’s painted on goatee. Jim IM’s Pam to come meet him for lunch halfway, at a truck stop where a soda exploded on him. Pam has also created an AMAZING ASCII Dwight, which you can print out here.

Michael asks Holly about her date. He hasn’t called, which is inexcusable given she has Counting Crows tickets. The gang lost to Utica by 8 pounds, and Michael suggests everyone weighs in again at the end of the day. A few hours to lose a collective 8 pounds! That should be easy, especially once Andy cranks the heat up to 100 and dons a garbage bag dress.

QUOTE BREAK: PUBEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS.

Now, take a deep deep breath. Because it is at this moment in the show… that this happens:

JIM PROPOSES TO PAM. IN THE RAIN. AT A TRUCKSTOP. It’s not a shmaltzy as one would have expected, but hey — IT HAPPENED. I’m greatful that they didn’t super cheese it up. We have been through enough as a country with these two. It was short, it was sweet, and Jim was all smiles at the next weigh in.

Michael buys Holly’s wasted Counting Crows tickets, and instead of then asking her to go with him, he tears them up. She doesn’t get it. But seriously… WHO THE HELL WAS GAINING WEIGHT? It definitely wasn’t Stanley! He lost 7 pounds! And he’s gonna take 5 days off anyway. Now that’s power.

DWIGHT TYPE FACE15.jpgWEEK 8, August 18

Toby hurt himself in a Costa Rican ziplining accident, and only has Entourage in Spanish to keep him company. Oh, if Michael could see him now.

VERDICT: In a word, satisfying. Hilarious. Exhilerating. It was a hell of a season premiere. Carell is still the star (and while I love Baldwin, I think Carell deserved the Best Actor in a Comedy Emmy moreso… he’s never won one!), and the rest of the cast seems to have picked up from where they left off last season without little to no change. Dwight’s a little more self-aware now, but thankfully, Creed is still a hobo.

THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS SEASON:

  • The Pam and Jim separation: How will this affect their relationship? And what’s the deal with the new guy?
  • Holly and Michael: Clearly, these two will eventually get together once Michael realizes she’s his. Which will be a treat to behold.
  • Kevin: Still kind of retarded.
  • Angela and Dwight and Andy: I’m not looking forward to watching Andy’s heartbreak. Unless he kicks around some more garbage cans. In which case: bring it.
  • Kelly and Ryan: Obviously.

Here’s the full episode if you missed it. And you can watch deleted scenes here. I await your comments.

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