What Your Wacky USB Drive Says About You

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USB flash drive manufacturers are matched only by the creators of pot-smoking paraphernalia in their dogged pursuit of creating clever little ways to disguise the functional purpose of their products, while also personalizing them for literally all manner of ridiculous people. We’re going to take a look at 14 of the wackiest USB drives out there and speculate what they actually tell us about the people who would use them.

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Designer Purse Drives – You need to understand that drinking cosmos alone and repeatedly asking the other members of the “Sex and the City Girls” chat room why men never call you is not going to make men call you.

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The Swarovski Bling Drive – You want people to understand how rich and successful of a rapper you are whenever they look at the back of your computer.

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Bible Earrings Flash Drive – You’re running for Vice President of the United States.

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Livestrong Bracelet Drive – You prefer to express your personal values, and store your personal data, with rubber wrist jewelry.

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Donut Drives – You’re Homer Simpson in a weird parallel Springfield where Homer Simpson actually knows how to use computers.

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Sushi Drives – You’re than annoying LA girl who has had a couple of California Rolls and now can’t stop talking about how much she, like, loves sushi.

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Wooden Cross Drive – You want a flash drive that’s filled with Christ’s love, and porn probably. What would Jesus do with his data?

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Weird Mashed Potatoes Drive – You, uh, really like mashed potatoes?

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Magic Crystals Drive – You are Superman.

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Beer Drive – You are an alcoholic and you need to get help.

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Weird Squid Snack Thing Drive – I have no idea, but you’re definitely Japanese.

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Gibson Guitar Drive – Your band is never going to succeed.

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Tree Trunk Drives – You’re a stupid hippie who shouldn’t be allowed near computers because we don’t care about whatever idiotic e-mail forward from PeTA and Move-On you’re sending us this week.

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Headless Teddy Drive – You’re willing to carry around a large unwieldy teddy bear just to make a visual joke whenever you plug in your flash drive. And you’re sort of awesome.