Lives became a little dimmer last night as one of Bravo’s best shows ever, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, came to an explosive conclusion during the Reunion special hosted by Bravo exec Andy Cohen. It was one of the best Real Housewives season, and easily the best reunion (there was near throw downing!), in Bravo history. Andy was joined by NeNe (sporting a new classy hairdo), Kim (stenciled face courtesy of a Mrs. Doubtfire props sale), Sheree (the fakest bitch in the world), Lisa (short, spunky, ass-kicky), and DeShawn (who said a total of 8 words the entire night.)
And because there were just so many gems last night, we’ve transcribed the best quotes for your repeating enjoyment. Make sure to print out a few copies to give to friends so they can fully understand you when you threaten to flip them over the couch, bitch.
9:01: “New look, new attitude.” — NeNe, on her short hair.
9:02: “Hellooo, I agree! I look 39!” — Kim, on her age.
9:03: “Everyone across America is talking about your show, including Anderson Cooper, who is a Superfan. And specifically has come out about his love for NeNe!” — Andy Cohen, outing Anderson’s Nene fetish.
9:05: “Well, ex-stripper, that’s false. I’m still a stripper. I strip most nights for Greg, Greg has no problem with me stripping for him. He loves it. I strip for my husband… Apple.” — NeNe, fiercing it up.
9:09: “Andy, I heard her sing, and I don’t think she can sing. Now, this is my opinion. I’m free to stat my opinion any time I like. Right? Thank you.” — NeNe, getting all logical on Kim’s untalented ass.
9:10: “I don’t know him like that, but I know him.” — NeNe on Big Poppa.
9:11: “You’re the one that’s going around lyin’ on everybody. But you better not lie on me. Look, lemme let you know something. Cause you made a comment already that you’re gonna beat my ass. I’d like to see that happen. I’d like to SEE that happen!” — NeNe, about to give Kim a signature Leakes Beatdown.
9:12: “You can’t sing, and you’re hearin’ it from me. You can’t sing. You can’t sing. I’ll see you outside.” — NeNe, right before being thrown down to the couch by the miniature Lisa.
9:12: “You touch me girl, I will wear that wig off your head. A straight hooker. Andy, I”m gonna respect you and let you do this interview next to this trashbox. Trashy hooker. Go on.” — Nene, composing herself.
9:16: “I thought you wore that hairpiece for style.” — NeNe on Kim’s cancer wig.
9:17: “I remember sitting at Chile’s waiting for the test results.” — Kim, on coping with fake cancer over a Bloomin’ Onion. (And yes, I know that’s at Outback.)
9:18: “DeShawn broke the mold being an athlete’s wife.” — Andy Cohen, demonstrating a “poor choice of words”.
9:29: “Will you let me know if you get the seven figures?” — Andy to Sheree on her divorce.
9:40: “I don’t have ‘eel’ feelings.” — Kim re NeNe. I’m not sure even eels have feelings.
9:45: “I buy what I wanna wear, and I’m not tryin’ to please Sheree or anybody else. I’m very happy with the fashions that I wear.” — NeNe, on fashion and diplomacy.
9:47: (Ed. Note: The following exchange was so good, we bring it to you in its entirety)
Lisa: “Your story really doesn’t add up, and you’re a habitual liar. And I think you need to take freaking medication. Cause I’m sitting here and I’m trippin’… She talks about Sheree like a freaking dog, am I lyin?… You have no reason to lie about cancer, but can we get that on the record? You have a wig on, so what’s the deal?”
Kim: WHO GIVES A F**K IF I HAVE A WIG ON?
Lisa: Bottom line. I feel sorry for you. You’re pathetic. You have nothing else going on. You have no talent. Screw you, because yuo’re a liar, and I have nothing to say to you Kim. And I’ll flip you over that couch. I am the wrong one, OK? For real. For real.
9:49: “We didn’t have chicken. We had lamb and shrimp.” — NeNe on Kim’s “racism”
9:50: “This one right here, we’re gonna have to work on her. Bring her up to the 21st Century.” — Dwight, looking like an extra from Master’s of the Universe, on Kim’s “look”
9:51: “Tre tre tre declasse” — Dwight
9:52: “I’m not a woman. Never wanted to be a woman. I love my toolbox.” Dwight on his “Divo” status.
Thankfully, Dwight will be getting his own Bravo show. (Trailer after the cut!) Who else is gonna miss these ladies? Someone needs to get NeNe her OWN show, ASAP.