Christmas is on Thursday! Have you bought all your presents? Of course not! You’re poor… and lazy. We’d like to help. Here are 20 Geniously Retarded Gift Ideas For Under $20 (And please, trust us: When we say “Retarded”, what we mean to say is “Retardedly Amazing“!):
20. A Pair of Hamster Shoes
Chances are, the loved one in your life only really wants one thing this Christmas Season: A sexy hamster. So get that hamster some pumps already! This website features hundreds of pairs of hamster shoes that will have your hamster foot fetishists begging for sweet, tiny mercy.
19. A Soap Necklace
This brilliant necklace combines two things women love: Jewelry and being told they have a mild and not entirely pleasant odor. Tell your loved one that there’s a diamond stuck inside, then let out a hearty and yet aromatic laugh in a months time when all she’s left with is a bit of twine and a broken heart. Total cost of soap necklace: About 3 dollars for bar of soap and some strang.
18 More Gift Ideas Ahead!
18. A Personalized .Biz Site
Let us let you into a little secret about the future of “online”: Say goodbye to dot com, and say hello to dot biz. Dot biz! It’s hip, it’s young, it’s got the letter “z” in it, and most importantly? Like a meth-addicted hooker, it’s cheap and available. Snag up some domain names for your closest friends, and then wait for the Thank You notes to pour in in about 5 years time. (Spoiler Alert from the year 2023: Michellecollins.asia will be the 19th most used search engine in America. Move over Mindspring, this lady’s finally making it!) (And with thank to Alex Guerra for reserving my very own .biz address.)
17. The Bon Jovi Action Figure
There’s nothing that we could tell you about the Bon Jovi Action Figure that Ms. Ginger “Jovibabe” Wesley‘s Amazon review can’t tell you, so here it is:
“I was so excited to hear about the Bon Jovi action figures. I was not disapppointed when I received them. I only wish they looked more like Jon and Richie but that is probably impossible.”
It’s the “probably” that really hits that “will she or won’t she peel his face skin off one night” nerve. On the plus side, she had the horse sense to only give it 1 star in the Educational Category, even though this Bon Jovi Action Figure taught me about lowest common denominators.
And for $12.28, it’s 90 percent cheaper than a concert ticket, and you can put him on your dashboard like Tiny Elvis!
16. A Boot Bag
This bag was probably intended to carry boots around in. However, we’d like to make the argument that it’s a handy bag to carry just about anything in. Turn it into a sexy Saturday night clubbing clutch, and imagine the surprise or your friends when, instead of pulling out a pair ofboots, you pull out some lip gloss!!! Or, more confusingly, a boot-shaped ham. Buy it for yourself, your best girlfriend, or for that special pair of boots in your life that has everything.
15. Fake Spills
Really crank up the G-Re-Re level of this one by wrapping it in an elaborately ornate package with beautiful ribbons cascading down each side. Then, watch as the lucky receiver’s face lights up when he or she gasps with delight and exclaims “A spoon with some melted ice cream in it? (tearful) How did you know?” Then, act awkward as you explain that it’s actually a fake, just plastic ice cream in an unusable spoon, and spend the entire car ride home in silence, as your partner stews with anger.
14. A Filing Cabinet For Drugs
The above filing cabinet was actually intended for business cards, but in actuality, it’s the perfect device for filing away your small bags of drugs. NOTE: Finding your drugs in alphabetical order will become extremely frustrating when you are extremely high, and the filing cabinet transforms into a time-travelling remote control that wants to travel back in time to kill your ancestors.
13. Nut Buttons
Nut buttons. Check out these here nut buttons. Sure, they’re just nut-shaped buttons, but say it out loud a few times to understand why this is one of the best Christmas gifts out there. Nut buttons. “Hope you like your nut buttons!” “May these nut buttons help you ring in the New Year!” “Thanks for the Ipod! Here are some Nut Buttons.” If you still don’t understand, you never really will, will you?
12. A Pigeon Feather
What do you get for the person who has everything EXCEPT the Bubonic Plague? How about this authentic New York pigeon feather replete with glass vial with a cork stopper? Hope the boss likes it!
11. A Topless Photo of Chazz Palminteri
There are so many reasons we are thankful this exists. And for only $9.99, it’s a bargain at 100,000 times the price. Though, some of you younger kids out there might prefer this Luke Perry trading card notebook, but accept that those of you that do are idiots. (Somewhere here there’s a joke about Chazz hands in here, but I think it’s in the same drawer that contains me “pull the trigger if you make a Chazz hands joke” gun.)
10. A Rubber Pizza With Terrifying Face Stretching Through and Begging For Mercy
Take the movie Loverboy, replace Patrick Dempsey with the little girl from The Ring, and really, the only thing that comes to mind is “Merry Christmas.” Also? “Delicious pranks.”
9. A Humongous Old Cell Phone
Can it make calls? Probably not. Can it be thrown at a rabid attacker about to slice your throat open? YES. And camman: Look at how happy Grandpa looks to finally have a cell phone! (Debbie Downer: “And brain cancer.”) Surprisingly, these suckers are selling on Ebay for hundreds of dollars (in yet more proof that we are, as people, monkeys), however we found this pretty snazzy Brick Phone for under $20. Buy it, before someone with even more cash to burn buys it first.
8. The Best of The Planet’s Funniest Animals 3 DVD Set
The cover alone makes this one a no-brainer. How does one put a price on a dog wearing sunglasses? It’s also perfect for the deaf, says this reviewer: “We bought this for an elderly relative who cannot hear. It has become a great bonding experience with how funny this DVD is. She doesn’t even need to hear to enjoy it.” (Note: I’m actually pre-emptively buying these DVDs for myself so that I can spend final few elderly deaf years filled with joy. DVD’s will be around in 2158, right?)
7. A Viking Fibula
Let’s be honest here for a second: We have no f**king clue what a Viking Fibula is. It’s easily the most useless thing on this entire list (please see #13 to understand how serious a claim that is.) But people: THIS IS AUTHENTIC VIKING SH*T. We’re talking from, like, the year 800! And it’s the same price as this TOTALLY FAKE plastic Viking helmet. Making the Viking Fibula the oldest and cheapest thing to give away this holiday season, uses for it be damned. Just say they used it to tell time. That’ll be sure to impress ‘em (‘em = “person who has everything” obviously.)
6. A $20 Gift Card to the $.99 Store
This is like 20 lead-infused gifts in one!! Just think of all the things your gift receivee could pick up with this toughtful gift, given our current state of economic crisis: Things like mayo containers, and ponchos, and Jennifer Aniston brand pantyhose. Indeed, this is the gift that will keep on giving.
5. Portrait of Judge Fenway
Look: We don’t know who Judge Fenway is, or which court he presides over, or whether or not he’s fair in a court of law. But here is one thing we do know: He’s a goat judge, people. With quite the side-glance. And a pretty damn elegant beard. Sometimes, that’s all you need to know about a person to know that they’re worth it.
4. A Lifehammer
Sorry, did we say “Geniously Retarded”? A Lifehammer can save your life, you heartless bastard. The Amazon.com reviews of this product reads like an early draft of Terms of Endearment, with less of the “cancer” and more of the “glass shards”. This is the perfect gift to give to the person in your life that you really don’t want to find at the bottom of a lake.
3. A Jar of Pickles (Eyes Optional)
Everyone loves pickles. And they’re like, what, $3 a jar? They’re tasty, they’ve got a long shelf life, and they’re schilled by a pelican wearing bifocals. They also co-starred in the oft-forgotten 1988 classic Crossing Delancey. As far as the Walken-inspired googly-eyes are concerned, to each their own. (Though, we’re quite partial to these lil’ egg fellas.)
2. Cold War Unicorns
As the saying goes, why ask why? Although, if you know unicorns like we do, then you know they’re all dirty Pinko bastards.
1. A Lifesize Cut-Out of Steve Irwin
What better way to say “Too Soon?” than with this lifesize Steve Irwin cardboard cut-out which is STILL BEING SOLD even though the man was killed over two years ago. And while the cut-out is being sold for $30, the company is offering a 25% coupon, bringing the price down to a more than reasonable $22.50… $2.50 over our budget, but worth the extra cash to remember a man so dedicated to getting mauled to death. Note that we’ve also included the equally geniously re-re Liberace Cut-Out, which can be described simply as “Uncle Sam Meets Unprotected Gay Sex in the Deep South: The Overture.” Feel free to decide upon your own favorite.
And tell us about your own G.Re.Re Gift Ideas for $20 or less in the comments!