A big hearty thank you to Bravo, who has stacked their various Real Housewives franchise in just enough cities to keep us up to our ears in cryogenically frozen reres. (The second season of Real Housewives of New York is set to air on February 17, 2009.) Until then, we have our beloved original H-Wives, those saucy, freckle-chested ladies from Orange County, California.
The season has gone through many a cast change since its debut, and now only Vicki and Jeana are left standing from the original cast. We used to love Vicki, but lately she’s been grating our nerves… and the same goes for Jeana. Joining them we have Tamra, who manages to hear others over the sound of the walnut rolling around in her skull cavity; Lynn, who is so rich her own skin is made out of Louis Vuitton vinyl; and Gretchen, arguably the most attractive of the bunch, who’s much older, richer boyfriend Jeff is terminally ill with cancer. Most of the husbands on the show are shadows of the men they once were.
On this week’s brilliantly teased episode, Tamra decides to throw a “classy” dinner party (sarcasm quotes made out of solid 18K gold filigree) for the wives, and invites Gretchen along, even though Tamra’s jealousy of the much more glamorous and charming Gretchen is reatching Pismo Beach Disaster Relief levels. And Gretchen obliges, leaving poor Jeff at the ICU and wearing her best dress possibly stolen from a Marilyn Monroe tranny on Hollywood Blvd.
Those of you that saw the episode are well aware as to what happened next: Tamra makes it a point to tell the other women that she wants to get Gretchen wasted. Not just “wasted”, but “naked wasted”. Let’s go over the facts: Almost all of these women are 40+, and exactly none of them are in a sorority (or fraternity). They are also being taped by a huge camera crew for basic cable network. I digress.
And wasted Gretchen gets. Like SUPER drunkies from space. So drunk she nearly humps Don’s poor shoulder. So drunk that Jeanna (who has been more grating this season) is forced to sneak her half-imbibed shots away from her. So drunk……….. she is actually seduced by Tamra’s nasty-ass song, Ryan. Or, as I prefer to call him “Lip Nugget” or, conveniently, Lip Nuggie.
Imagine it: Gretchen is fall over backwards wasted, and the jackal-faced Ryan swoops in and starts getting all “handsy” with her. This would have been bad enough, but he did it IN FRONT OF HIS OWN MOTHER. It’s almost as if… his mother… was helping him… date rape somebody. Hmm…
Sadly (but geniously), the Bravo producers gave us a cliffhanger ending, where Ryan is trying to get Gretchen to make-out/”bone” him in the bathroom. Clearly, something happens — we refuse to believe otherwise.
But now the real question: Which Real Housewife Is To Blame for Gretchengate ’09? Most of you might think it’s Tamra, but then again, Gretchen should be responsible for the amount of alcohol she intakes. Then again, who wouldn’t want to drink around Vicki? Perhaps we should be blaming Jeana: Had she not have removed those shots, Gretchen would have no doubt ended up in the ER before Ryan could make his move. And who WOULDN’T blame Lynn??? For anything, but specifically being the suckiest housewife in the history of housewives, not just reality TV.
Let us know who you think should take the blame in the comments. Also… Do you think Gretchen and Ryan do it? God help us.
And I never thought I’d say it but: I miss you dearly, Real Housewives of Atlanta. You are a bunch of classy broads.