TOP CHEF RECAP: More Like Restaurant BORES (I’ll Be Here All Week)

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Stefan Dessert– What the hell was that voyeuristic hidden-camera shot of Hosea and Leah kissing through a staircase? Was that scene directed by Gus Van Sant?

– Also, Leah was on frickin’ Quaaludes this entire episode. First she described her Quickfire dish like a stoner explaining a Bela Fleck solo, then again when her first choice for her team was “Hoooooosssseaaaa…….” she sounded like she was trying to feel the smells of the Top Chef kitchen.

– Also, why do people still not want Stefan on their team? Because he says several slightly-belligerent sound bytes per episode before his team ends up always winning? He single-handedly saved everyone’s asses this week, especially Leah’s, and still everyone treats him like he’s worthless. Everyone ostracizing him for being a d*ck is ironically waaaaay more d*ckish than anything he’s done on the show (besides maybe that one shot of him leaning back in his chair with the cigarette last week that they kept showing).

Fabio ImprovFabio was on a roll with the zingers:

“I grab everything in the store I can…This is the feeling my wife have all the time! ‘Cause them women be shoppinnnnnn!!!!!”

“We can serve monkey ass in an empty clam shell and still win cause I’m running the front.” [This sounded like a joke until Leah actually did serve monkey ass and the team ended up winning because Fabio was manning the front]

[To a table of two ladies in the restaurant]: “Can I light you candle? And by that, I mean-a ya VAGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.”

After the jump, more Restaurant Wars, a predictable elimination, and a classic domestic abuse threat at the Judge’s Table:

RadhikaRadhika seemed super depressed all episode, like she was holding in a traumatic secret or something. I was half-expecting her to blurt out “TOBY YOUNG TOUCHED ME IN THE COOLER!!!” at the Judge’s Table, but I guess Bravo edited that part out. Solid decision.

Carla could have easily gone home, but was likely saved because she took over Ariane’s role as Bravo Company Line Tower: “We hopped in the Sequoias and decided to split up, they went to Whole Foods, we went to Restaurant Depot. Also Dr. Pepper is delicious. [AUDIO OF HER SIPPING DR. PEPPER] Ahhhhh… This definitely has calories in it. Wait, it’s DIET?? No way! There is nothing Diet about it!”

Leah Restaurant– Carla was also frickin’ insaaaaane at the Judge’s Table. “Sendin’ out the love?” Screaming “I KNOWWW!!!” affirmatively after Tom mentioned the diners having a good time… I think the judges might have been afraid to vote her off last night thinking she’d explode in a ball of denial-laced enthusiasm and the explosion would consume them all. Next week at Judges’ Table, they’ll all be wearing enthusiasm-retardant Hazmat suits and talking to Carla through a foot-thick lead door.

– Nonetheless, the next two episodes are a formality to see if Carla gets eliminated then Leah, or the other way around.

– As for the Restaurant concepts and the episode itself, I don’t really have anything to add or make fun of. Probably the most pedestrian episode of the season so far.

– Is anyone else bothered by Jeff opening more and more buttons on his shirt every week? If he makes it to the finale, we’re gonna be faced with this:

Jeff Finale

– Jeff also delivered a nice nonsensical piece of restaurant advice: “It’s all about knowing your clientele. I can sell anything. I am perfect.” So… knowing your clientele isn’t really that important if you’re perfect and cook perfect food? Give this guy a book deal.

– Weirdest quote of the night: When a fed-up Guest Judge Stephen Starr exclaimed, “Ahhhhh, I just wanted to SHAKE HER!” Well said, Domesticabusey McGee. Next week’s guest judge? Billy Dee Williams.

POWER RANKINGS

1) Stefan (If he doesn’t win, the show is wrong. Not saying it’s definite, but he’s gonna reaaaally need to screw up in the finale to lose. I don’t see the Judges holding his d*ckitude against him)

2) Jamie

3) Jeff (still waiting for his hilarious f*ckup)

4) Hosea (chances he’s still with his girlfriend today? Why wasn’t this the Bravo text-poll question?)

5) Fabio (he’s always done just enough to not be the absolute worst week in and week out. He’s the Atlanta Thrashers of Top Chef.)

No Chance: Carla, Leah. No way Bravo pulls a B.S. Lisa repeat and somehow crashing the Finals.

– And finally….Spike returns next week!!! We all know what that means…….

Thoughts on Restaurant Wars, Top Chef fans? Or thoughts about Lost? Or just about the concept of Recaps in general? Leave it all in the comments.

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