Can’t you please explain to these sods that when I said Blake was rubbish in bed which if you speak the bloody queens English you would KNOW is TRUE and is exactly what going to bed MEANS. I don’t sing in Japanese do I? Not on PURPOSE (is there a video of that?? ASK RAYE) Maybe it means somefin in Japanese but I’m a London girl wif a London, you know, SOUL which doesn’t rhyme with HOLE for nuffin, at least not in my experience which is very wide. I pity these gaels, you know, there’s a disconnect. Put down the microphone child!!! Rubbish is rubbish and I will stand by my man. NOTE: IDEA FOR SONG: MY SOUL IS ACHIN/MY HOLE IS QUAKIN/BUT MY MARRIAGE IS ONLY STIRRED—NOT SHAKIN. Bullocks that reminds me, is Quaalude Of Silence in production yet???? MEMO: CALL BACK. I right messed that one up but it’s like didn’t I tell them a billion times you can’t rush genius and you definitely don’t rush BOND. Why do you think he never says his name all at once? Come in Alicia, the song goes like this: VALIUM SHE GOT TOO MUCH VOLUME/AND LAUDANUM’S A LITTLE LOUD FOR ME/DEMIROL’S A NOISY POL/JUST GIVE ME MY QUAALUDE OF SILENCE … NOTE: CALL RAYE, maybe there’s still time for the Asian release!!! Too bad. Danny looks as rubbish as me in a speedo. Fuck THAT, for the NEXT one then, I’ll PRODUCE it. Winehouse– Amy Winehouse…Get my OWN bloody franchise. Then I can score it and star in it too and also cater. They want me in a movie, I’ll show em how to make a bloody movie. No Evian placement in MY flickers. Russell Crowe won’t be saying no to MY fat bum. (I bet HE’S right rubbish!) No water on the set, can you handle it, Russie? WATER IS THE ENEMY OF ART. which YOU understand, my dear dripped-on diary. Sorry about eating you last night, they drove me to it. Anyway you carry less punch than those napkins. Delicious, those! MEMO: next time must score BEFORE they hit the trash bins. Firsty, I am. Firsty firsty!!!! That’s right sleazbos I have ALL the appetites. You go to bed and like what do you expect wif a Norf London gael like me so obviously passionate as I am and a royal HUNK like that. The point being: You use a RUBBER then you RUB. I’m gonna marry a bloke who’s NOT rubbish???? Have you heard me sing, do I sing like a non-rubber? What do other people do, CLAP??? Did you LOOK at my Blake, do you KNOW what’s under his hat? Not that Josh is any less rubbish. Or what’s his name with the luggage cart, God I love Mexico! But ain’t NOBODY done make me feel all nice and DEAD like Blake does, THAT’S rare, THAT’S why I married him. LYRICAL IDEA: WHEN PEOPLE SAY I’M CHUBBY, I ASK MY RUBBY HUBBY, WHO TELLS ME DEAR DELICIOUS ETC. (Ballad) Fuckin right he makes me feel dead. You wanna talk, learn the fuckin language. WHERE did i stick my fuckin guitar? The night is young and so are I, so nighty night dear diary!
Full disclosure: Our correspondent, known only as Horrible Child, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what Horrible Child imagines Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]