Archives Tuesday, January 27, 2009

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…OF THE DAY

Breastfeeding Outrage

  • BREASTFEEDING REQUEST: Facebook has banned pictures of women breastfeeding on its site, drawing the ire of many breastfeeding women. Honestly, though, there’s about 100 pictures of me on Facebook that would be immensely improved if I were being blocked by a woman breastfeeding her child. (MSNBC)
  • THIN LIND-ZY: Lindsay Lohan’s publicist defended her current super-thin physique, saying “we recently did a photo shoot and Lindsay ate two full meals.” So…she ate a Twix bar? (Dlisted)
  • TONGUE IN MANY CHEEKS: Russell Brand claims in a recent interview that he has sex with ’90 women a month.’ This isn’t a news story. Watch: I, Dan Hopper, claim to have sex with 90 women a month. (Celebitchy)
  • YEARBOOK PHOTO: I cannot frickin’ believe that my brother and I showed up on Google Earth. Really embarrassing. (Film Drunk)
  • RABBIT LOST: And finally, author John Updike passed away from lung cancer today at the age of 76. Updike wrote dozens of novels and short story collections in his lifetime, and, like all great individuals, appeared on The Simpsons, of course. (NY Daily News)

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“That Is ACTUALLY What She Said”: Introducing The Office Porn

Ladies, get ready to be excited: Because all those fantasies of Jim and Pam getting it on will finally come true in ways you never even imagined in the upcoming XXX Office Porn! The only difference being: Jim has a fake tan and goatee, and Pam is a whore with fake boobs a crotchless cardigan.

Yes, all your favorite characters from The Office are represented in The Office porn: Michael Scott is played by a young blond thing named Michelle (coincidence? Oh God, yes.) replete with The World’s Bust Boss mug (seriously), Dwight is equally as nerdy, only we’re guessing his shvanz is about 7 times bigger, and there’s a whole slew of possible Jim‘s (as in, the cutest guy in the workplace), and sadly, no sign of David Wallace. We’re pretty sure that Creed is actually in it. Plus, in this office, all the ladies are porn stars!

(Language NSFW!)

 

 

Finally, something satirical to masturbate to! should be its slogan.

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Two Honeys Are Better Than One For Russell Brand

When Russell Brand goes out for a night on the town, he goes big or goes home. Russell rocked it out last night at Akon’s wrap party at Number 5 Cavendish Club in London, and left with not one, but two fine ladies, Lisa O’Connor and Stevie-Louise Ritchie, who chose not to wear pants that evening.  Some people might think wearing no pants is a skanky fashion move, but actually that was really nice of her to save Russell some work once the threesome got back to his place to do who knows what.

According to Russell, however, doing the nasty was not what he had in mind. “Those women were at Brand Towers as they assured me they were qualified engineers and could fix my washing machine. I only took off my clothes ‘cos I wanted to bung a load in. The washing machine is still broke but my clothes are remarkably unstained.”

According to the ladies, Russell was “dancing around in his tight white pants” but they left before any nooky could be had as they had “a photoshoot to get to in the morning.” [Source: The Sun; Photo: Splash News Online]

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Defendant Smears Feces On Lawyer, Jury; Hired To Write Epic Movie Sequel

Mr HankyFrom the “Any jokes I would make about this wouldn’t be as ridiculous as the actual story” department comes this poo-filled courtroom debacle that even Law & Order hasn’t thought of in eighteen seasons:

A mistrial was declared Monday when a home-invasion robbery suspect smeared human feces on his attorney’s face then threw more at the jury.

At the mid-morning break, McGowan produced a plastic baggie filled with fecal matter and spread it on Martin’s hair and face, then flung the excrement toward the jury box, hitting the briefcase of juror No. 9 but missing the juror himself.

“That juror didn’t even see it coming,” [prosecutor Christopher] Lawson said.

Just when you think poo jokes have totally run their course, someone takes it to an entirely new level of meta-art, and even gets rewarded with a mistrial. No word on whether James Cromwell or Tom Wilkinson will play the poo-flinging assailant in the Emmy-bound HBO movie Pootrial (executive produced by Tom Hanks).

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Nick Hogan: Movin’ On Up

Nick Hogan filled up a UHaul while allegedly moving out of mom Linda Hogan‘s Florida home yesterday. Nick and Linda’s boyfriend Charley Hill looked like the best of pals as Charlie helped Nick load up his goodies – but no surprise there, Nick was only one grade below Charley in school. Charley, who did most of the heavy lifting, looked eager to get his former school chum out of the house. Maybe he and Linda want the pad all to themselves? [Photo: Splash News Online]

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by (@katespencer)

Gossip Break: Beckham’s Butt Must Be Touched!

  • We’d express disgust at this story about Evan Rachel Wood supposedly sucking face with Mickey Rourke, but then we think of Marilyn Manson and it all makes sense.  [DListed]
  • Author John Updike has passed away from lung cancer at 76. Insert sad emoticon here.  [Buzzfeed]
  • George Clooney is up for adoption. And we thought he hated attention?!  [Seriously?OMG!]
  • No one can resist the urge to touch David Beckham‘s ass. [BWE]
  • Add Meryl Steep to the long list of celebs guest-starring on 30 Rock.  [I'mNotObsessed]
  • Yeah, this is kinda the most awesome pic of Tracy Morgan ever.  [Jezebel]

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Citizen Scandal: Street Shut Down After Buffalo Wing Sauce Spill

Fairfield, Connecticut suffered a pre-Super Bowl nightmare when four barrels of buffalo wing sauce fell out of a delivery truck outside of Archie Moore’s restaurant. The street was closed for several hours, as firefighters waited for a Haz-mat squad. Because wing sauce is a hazardous material, apparently.

A car was covered in the spicy, hardening goo, but Moore’s passed the blame onto the moving company when asked to cough up for its cleaning. Seems Moore’s was more concerned about getting extra wing sauce in time for the big game on Sunday. “That was four barrels we just lost,” said an employee. “We would need all of that sauce.” Thankfully, the restaurant next door gave the saucing victims some cash.

by (@katespencer)

Did Olivia Newton-John’s Ex Fake His Own Death?

Yep, this story again! A team of private investigators is supposedly hot on the trail of Olivia Newton-John‘s ex-boyfriend, Patrick McDermott, who disappeared during a fishing trip off the coast of California in June, 2005. Philip Klein, the dude heading up the search, is convinced that McDermott is pretending to be dead so that his son may receive his $100,000 life insurance policy. Apparently he had filed for bankruptcy in the past and owed his wife a ton of money in child support.

An official Coast Guard report on the case states that McDermott drowned, but Klein believes that the former camera man (who had dated Newton-John for nine years) is on a boat off the coast of Mexico. He’s even set up a website – FindPatrickMcDermott.com – as a trap, and follows the various locations of people who visit the site. He’s got his eye on Mexico, where McDermott’s been spotted numerous times (and where someone’s apparently been checking out the site.

“The rule of thumb is always this,” Klein warns. “When you’re running you always are looking over your shoulder and we’re going to catch him looking at us.”

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Ted Haggard Accused Of Sex Act By Former Church Volunteer

More than two years after pastor Ted Haggard resigned as leader of the National Association of Evangelicals—after confessing to taking meth and having sex with a male prostitute—a former volunteer at Haggard’s New Life church has come forward with further allegations of sexual misconduct.

Grant Haas, 25, was first introduced to Haggard in early 2006. When Haas revealed he had been kicked out of religious school for being gay, Haggard began mentoring the would-be pastor. “In my mind, from a religious standpoint, I thought the Holy Spirit was speaking to him and God was telling him to help me out of this situation I am in,” Haas told KRDO-TV. Haggard soon began sending Haas 1,000 to 2,000 texts a month.

[Haggard was] texting me all kind of weird things, texting me about all the different sexual positions, practices he was engaging in and it was just really weird…From his words, [his lifestyle] was pretty much: Viagra, some poppers, some crystal meth, porn and masturbation, just doing all of those things at once…It was like he had two personalities, it was like here is this 50-year-old pastor who is the ultimate man of God and then, this 16-year old horny boy who couldn’t keep himself together.

That summer, Haggard invited Haas to join him at Cripple Creek, where the church leader masturbated in front of Haas despite the younger man’s requests he stop. “He kind of made me have a guilt trip about it, so I wouldn’t say anything about it.”

The New Life Church promised Haas a settlement of $179,000, but the victim came forward when they failed to pay his medical bills (“their main focus was to cover it up”). Brady Boyd, Haggard’s successor at New Life, claims Haas is only revealing his story due to a HBO documentary about the former pastor set to air Thursday. “Although there was no physical contact,” said Haggard. “I have regretted my irresponsible behavior.”

Watch a video interview with Hass after the jump.

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