TOP CHEF RECAP: You Can’t Have A Super Bowl Party Without Covering Crap In Oats

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This is a recap of Top Chef Season 5, Episode 10 entitled “Oats Super Bowl Oats”, originally airing January 28th 2009. If you haven’t seen the episode, go ahead and read this crap anyway, Stefan didn’t get eliminated.

Tom Quaker– In the Quickfire Challenge, every contestant was required to prepare a dish incorporating Quaker Oats, which may or may not have caused me to unironically yell “YOU F***ING WHORES” at my television. Seriously — it’s one thing to use product integration in your program, but forcing every single contestant to use your stupid food in their stupid challenge? The American Idol judges keep clearly-labeled Coca-Cola glasses in front of them at all times, but at least they don’t require contestants to gargle Coke while performing their solos.

– I kept expecting guest judge Scott Conant to say something like “I’m sorry, Fabio, I just thought there were too many oats on your eggplant, all you could taste was oats. [LOOKS OFF CAMERA, SEES PRODUCER'S FIERY GLARE] Aaaaannndd…that’s…good, of course, is what I’m saying. Yummy, yummy oats. They’re oatriffic!”

Carla continued for the second straight week as Bravo’s Company-Line-Tower with her exclamation “I eat oats like seven days I week so I was like [HORRIFYING HAPPY NOISE]!” I’m sure you do, Carla. Do you also bathe in Glad Bags?

After the jump, the Super Bowl of anticlimactic Super Bowl-themed things!

Jeff loooooserJeff was the unfortunate loser this week, even though he’s a better chef than Carla, Leah and Fabio, but he deserved to go home simply for the Judge’s Table comment, “I did nineteen more things than my opponent,” as though:

1) He knew exactly how many more actions he performed than the chef who beat him,

2) The goodness of food is directly reliant upon how many verbs the chef accomplishes, and

3) He was simply too damn good for the puny peasants on Top Chef to grasp his interdimensional brilliance.

– I’ll gladly sacrifice Jeff’s talent in order to keep The King of Zings around for at least one more week; Fabio was on fire yet again, including another mention of having to cook “monkey ass,” which apparently is the only vaguely negative term he knows in English. I imagine him coming back from the Post Office saying “Dat line was-a like monkey ass, it never move!”

Fabio Improv– Carla was truly, deeply disturbing in this episode. First when she exclaimed “I don’t know the first thing about football” going into the challenge, as if that had anything to do with anything; they weren’t, like, cooking the rules of football, or even football-tailgate cuisine, they were just cooking while close to NFL helmets. Second, I’m glad she’s never going to win again, because her reaction to winning last night went beyond giddy excitement and well into “noises human bodies are not equipped to produce” territory.

Gabe from Videogum made a .gif of the episode’s craziest second — a superquick zoom into ex-cheftestant Danny yelling “yaaaa!!!” from the crowd:

Danny crowd

Also, why is Danny, aka “NewYorkie NewYorkerson” wearing a 49ers jersey? BUSSSTED!!! He’s never even been to Jersey.

Toby– I think Toby Young has been reading our comments section, because he scaled it way back this week (and went back in time and re-recorded his parts from this week’s episode). More likely, the Bravo editors quickly realized how awkward his forced movie references and topical Elvis jokes were and shrewdly trimmed his role in subsequent episodes. Next week he’ll be on screen for a third of a second saying “I–” and that’s it, then in the finale he’ll be in the background of one shot about to give a thumbs up.

– That wasn’t a Past-Seasons “All-Star Team,” it was just a bunch of random past contestants. An All-Star Team would’ve included only finalists, not, like, Season 4 Nikki. It was more of a Past-Seasons “Random Census Poll.”

– I thought Stefan represented the Dallas Cowboys perfectly: extremely talented on paper, completely choked when it came to gameday.

POWER RANKINGS:

1) Stefan

T-2) The Rest

Is there really any point to ranking these dudes anymore? The show will either be Stefan winning and all of us saying “ok, figured,” or Stefan somehow losing and all of us agreeing he got screwed, “Puerto Rican couple in Saturday Night Fever” style. As Toby Young might put it.

Leave your episode thoughts, predictions, Carla insults, Jeff insults, Toby Young insults even though he spoke like eight words this episode, and anything positive (I guess?) in the comments, please!