72 contestants divided between four horribly-carpeted hotel holding rooms awaited their fate on American Idol last night. It was such an uneventful episode that even Simon Cowell decided to bail early to “catch a flight to London” — as if the guy doesn’t have his own jet that he can schedule whenever he wants. We blame it on the loss of Bikini Girl. Still, it’s fun to watch people get better and, in some cases, worse, and then watch the contestants writhe around in confusion when they get placed in the same group as Crazytownie Tatiana Del Toro or Bi-Polarville resident Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle.
1. Tatiana Is Like Dish Detergent
The look on the faces of everyone in Group 4 when they realized that Tatiana Del Toro had been taken out of Group 2 and placed in their room was priceless. Toxic Tatiana was a harbinger of doom all the way to the end for this group, like a drop of Dawn dish detergent that causes everything else in the room to scatter. Too bad both groups Tatiana was in advanced to the final round so that was just a clever bit of drama the producers threw in there for us.
2. Ryan Seacrest Makes A Funny
When Seacrest was talking to Kristin McNamara, she of the pink lowlights, he asked her how she managed to stay cool when her former group-mate Nancy Wilson flipped out on her last week. Then Ryan asked how she would feel if she knew that Nancy were right behind her and wanted to say sorry. Kristin (and a fellow contestant, also clearly shaken by Nancy’s salty language last week), honestly believed Nancy was nearby and whipped around to look, clearly freaked out. “That was a lie!” she told Ryan, who’s familiar with lies, as he lives one every day.
3. Danny Gokey and Jemar Rogers Forever
If best friends Danny Gokey and Jemar Rogers ever get split from each other in this competition, our heart will break into a million pieces. We mean it. We hope they make it to the final two and that America comes to a complete tie and names them the first ever co-American Idols. Our heart even skipped a beat when we thought that only one of them made it to the next round – turned out we just couldn’t see Jemar because my eyes had crossed after staring at the carpet the contestants were all sitting on.
4. Nick Is a Sad Clown
In our totally expert opinion, when Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle actually tries to sing, he has this emotive but manic voice that would be very The Darkness or maybe he could be in a Queen cover band (he does have the theatrics working for him). However, Nick, like all sad clowns, is afraid to actually be serious and put his heart into these songs so he thinks the only way he can perform is in tennis shoes, creepy glasses and a sweatband. Toward the end of his “Georgia on My Mind”, after he finished rolling on the floor and providing us with crotch shots, we really started to enjoy it. If he sang some ballads as himself sans costume, I bet he could make it to the finals. So there you have it, our expert opinions in both music and psychology.
5. The Fooling Act
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us. Fool us three times and your fooling act gets old reeeeal fast. The judges tried to do the old “You guys, some people don’t have what it takes and not everyone makes it” bit before telling the three advancing groups they had made it, but raise your hand if you bought it even once. It was worth it though to see Tatiana appear to warm her hands over an invisible fire while she waited for the judges to finish their bit of trickery.