TOP CHEF RECAP: Is Top Chef, Not Top P*ssy!!!

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This is a recap of Top Chef Season 5, Episode 12, entitled “Yes, Fabio Just Said That And We Didn’t Bleep It,” originally airing Wednesday, February 11, 2009. If you haven’t seen the episode yet or you can’t stomach my horrible Photoshops, do not read on.

Fabio Mario– Michelle correctly observed that regardless of who wins Top Chef, Fabio is getting his own show immediately after the season ends. Not only did he have the titular line of the eve, but after the Elimination Challenge, he actually yelled “OOOOOOH MAMA MIA!!!” If he arrives in New Orleans and yells “It’s-a me, Faaaabio!” we should just throw him the title.

– Even when Fabio injured his hand, the painful sound he emitted was funny. I don’t care if Stefan’s a way better chef, I’d be perfectly happy letting Fabio win this season.

Carla really flipped her sh*t (shocker) when she found out Jacques Pepin loved peas. “WHHHHHAAAA????? OMG I LOVE PEAS 22222222222222!!!! Wait, he loves BREAD???? I LOVE BREADDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Jacques Pepin picked squab as his last meal, saying he just “wants some comfort food.” Nothin’ like some good ol’ down-home, comfort squab, is there? I personally prefer my Grandma’s good ol’ backcountry Georgia foie gras recipe that I used to eat when I was a kid.

– More Fabio: “I’m chopping like Jason from Friday the 13th!” – that wouldn’t happen to be viral marketing on Bravo’s part, would it? Sneaky sneaky…

– Why did the lighting at the guest chefs’ “Last Meal” table look like a damn Air Supply video?

After the jump, Stefan ALLLLLLMOST gets eliminated…

LeahLeah, upon elimination, exclaimed “I had no idea this would be so hard.” Really, Leah? After watching four seasons of chefs having ten minutes to cook fine-dining entrees for a science conference of 50,000 people but their dish has to embody the element “Boron” and they can’t use salt or plates then they get very specially ripped apart by the world’s most renowned gourmet chefs on national tv? Fair enough.

– Did anyone else yell at the screen “Hey Wylie, if you love breakfast so much, how ’bout you MARRY a f*ckin’ breakfast??” Every one of you? Oh, cool.

– Stefan really dropped the ball this week (and by ‘ball,’ I mean salmon-cookedness), and probably could’ve gone home had Tom (and the Bravo producers) not gone very far out of their way to seem appalled by Leah’s dish. Leah has deserved to go home in the past, but this week? Iooooookkkkkknnooooowww… Stefan’s Final Four pass was not unlike the Denzel Washington Training Day Oscar, though I believe that character didn’t f*ck up salmon.

– Did Fabio serve his Quickfire egg dish in some sort of blunt weapon?

Fabio Weapon

– BEST ANALOGY OF THE NIGHT: Fabio again, with the line “I have so many kick in my ass, sometimes I go to the bathroom and pull out shoes!”

– When the Quickfire was announced as ‘eggs,’ my roommate beat me to the obvious “Carla the bird ought to be good at this…” joke. Dammit.

– Why’d Bravo leave in Tom’s line “Well, the airlines are always looking for good chefs [ooooohhhh!!!]” What an esoteric, kind-of insult — take THAT, airlines!

– Why does this photo exist?

WTF

FINAL FOUR SEEDS:

1)
Stefan
2) Fabio
3) Carla
4) Hosea

Fill out your Top Chef Madness office pools now! I stupidly took Oklahoma State through to the Final 2, which was especially dumb because it’s a college basketball team and not the name of a chef on Top Chef. I lose these every year.

Is Stefan finally vulnerable? Episode thoughts, comments, observations, and Final Four predictions in the comments, please!