American Idol Recap: Results

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Despite the fact that these hour-long results shows could easily be done away with, at least they get crap done. We lost nine contestants last night, which is pretty significant, but when we weren’t excitedly watching the reveal of who got to stay and who had to go, we had to watch filler like the Carly Smithson and Michael Johns‘ duet or the group song. Why, group song, why??? In the end we saw nine dreams shattered, but the dreams on one man, one woman and one wild card were kept alive.

After Ryan re-intros the judges who heartlessly re-point out the shortcomings of those who laid an egg the night before, the entire gang lays an egg with their pointless group song, “I’m Yours”. It serves no purpose except maybe to showcase the voice of someone who’s going home and make you feel bad that you didn’t vote for them. Given that Jackie Tohn feels the need to stare deep into the eyes of the camera to try and make eye contact with the viewer, we’re not feeling so bad about not voting for her, actually.

Before the reveals began, we got a rehash of who sucked the night before (Casey, Stevie, Steven), who was okay (“Hicktown” guy, the roughneck, Ann Marie) and who was great (Alexis, Tatiana, Anoop, and Danny) one thing becomes clear – Danny totally changes his glasses for each show. We can’t be the only ones who noticed that, can we? Finally though, Ryan starts to disclose America’s votes and immediately crushes the dreams of future Maxim cover girl Casey Carlson and word-forgetter Steven Fowler. Alexis Grace however, token single-mother of the group (oh, wait no – Megan Corkrey is still blending into the background somewhere, isn’t she?) makes it through.

Ryan asks some of the remaining contestants how they feel about their chances, and when he asked reliably wacky Jackie how she’d rate her performance she was like “You mean like on a report card or like at the Olympics?”, providing us with a glimpse into Jackie’s mind and making us think we’re getting more and more Type A as we get older because we don’t find that cute, just aggravating.

Jackie and bland but talented Ricky Braddy (you know, from the Braddy Bunch) got a big fat “no” from America, which led into the biggest upset of the night – Michael Sarver beating out Anoop Desai. Ryan explained that a mere 20,000 votes separated Michael from Anoop, but seriously? I mean okay, Michael had the roughneck backstory, but America, come on. Anoop was…Anoop! Anoop Dog! “My Prerogative”, hello? At 8:35pm, after a quick check of our Twitter feed, it was obvious that the other half of America was just as mad about this as we were. “Idol officially sucks”, “recount!” and “I’m finding a new show to watch” were among the more polite responses on there (we’re not even going to get into the insulting ones, feel free to search those on your own time).

Ryan tossed the dreams of Ann Marie Boskovich, Stevie Wright and Brent Keith into a mass grave in one swoop, making way for the moment we were al waiting for, the inevitable Danny Vs. Tatiana showdown and OMGOMG Danny beat Tatiana Del Loco! Somehow, even though it was Danny’s moment, the cameras focused on Tatiana immediately being overcome with the vapors, or maybe we were witnessing the life force being sucked from her and exiting through all the Paula Abdul jewelry she was wearing. Either way she was completely undone and it was obvious that she really did think this was her ticket to superstardom. Don’t worry Tatiana, it still is. You’re gonna have an open invitation to any Surreal Life or Dr. Drew services you might need in the future.

While we’re happy for Danny, Alexis and Michael, we’re definitely sad to see Anoop and Ann Marie go home. We’re also sad that we have to find someone new whose name doesn’t rhyme with Schmatiana Schmel Schmoro to write about, but it was fun while it lasted.

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