News has surfaced that Columbia Pictures is in the process of finalizing a remake of the 1990 masterpiece Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger takes a nice, relaxing, face-exploding vacation to Mars. Based on a short story by Philip K. Dick, Total Recall is, in a sentence, one of the best sci-fi movies ever made, due in large part to Arnold, a hilarious script, and unbelievable, ass-blowing visual effects.
So who should be recast in the Total Recall remake? Here are BestWeekEver.tv’s picks:
Douglas Quaid = Eric Bana. Let’s face it: Schwartzy is irreplaceable. But if we’re being FORCED to pick a replacement, then by all means let it be Eric Bana. The man can morph himself into anyone and anything, as evidenced by his starring roles in Chopper and Munich. Plus, he’s hot as.
Melina = Maria from Sesame Street. This isn’t technically recasting as they are actually the same person.
Johnny Cab = Spencer Pratt. Eyebrows are raised when producers actually leave Pratt in the Johnny Cab when it hits the wall and explodes.
Benny = Robert Downey Jr. RDJ has already proved that he’s a skilled blackface performer. Just make sure you’re not in the same room with Cuba Gooding Jr. when news of this recasting breaks. Cause you will probably die.
Kuato = Peter Dinklage. Before you call this pick insensitive, why don’t you just open your mind. Open your mind. Open your mind. See? It makes perfect sense. Also? This.
The Two Weeks Lady = Kirstie Allie. It’s the role she was food to gorge. If poor Priscilla Allen, the original Two Weeks Lady, was still alive, we wouldn’t even recast this part. No one can possibly top one of the best scenes in cinematic history.
Dr. Edgemar = Kevin Spacey. Edgemar was responsible for one of the best scenes in the original: “It won’t make the slightest difference to me Doug, but the consequences to you will be devastating. In your mind I’ll be dead, and with no one to guide you out, you’ll be stuck in permanent psychosis. The walls of reality will come crashing down. One minute, you’re the savior of the Rebel cause, next thing you know you’ll be Cohaagen’s bosom buddy. You’ll even have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested, but in the end, back on Earth you’ll be lobotomized! So get a grip on yourself Doug, and put down that gun!” (cue sweat bead) (cue gunshot) You know who’s real good at the dramatic single sweat bead take? Probably Kevin Spacey.
Mr. Cohaagen = JK Simmons. Frankly, cast JK Simmons in any of these roles and we’ll be jazzed. Especially Melina. Meeow.
Lori = Rachel McAdams. This was the role that singled out Sharon Stone as a blonde femme fatale. We’ve seen McAdams play nearly every starlet role to date: Mean girl, romantic, girl next door, snarky sister… but this is the part that could launch the girl into A-list mega stardom. Until she shows her snatch. And then all bets are off.
The Three-Boobed Mutant = Helen Mirren. The only way to guarantee this movie is a success: Give Helen Mirren a third boob. Plus, you know this dirty bitch would be down for it.
Quaid on Mars = Jim Cramer. “Call Industrial Light & Magic. Tell them we don’t need their services anymore.”
Midget Prostitute = Peter Dinklage. Look, he’s already on set… might as well get a day’s wortha work outta the guy…
Mutant Mother = Brian Peppers. You’re welcome!
Let us know if you agree with these choices, or who you would cast instead. Also, Dear Hollywood? Please don’t go through with this.