Ladies, you might want to sit down on a heavily padded bean bag before reading the following article. Are you sunken? Good. Because it is our grave responsibility to announce… vaginas are having the worst week ever.
How so? It all kicked off on Monday, when Britney Spears’ p*ssy was hangin’ out all over the place while she performed in her Circus tour. Vaginas have made great strides since Britney last flashed her birthin’ hole, going above and beyond what is expected of your average vagina to regain its stellar reputation as “a lady at all times.” So for a vagina to have its dignity stripped away from itself in such a literal pubic arena… it’s shameful, is what it is.
But get ready, vadges, because things this week were about to get infinitely worse. Today, two separate events have crossed the wires that will have your crotch writhing in agony. (Squeamish folks might want to stop here.)
In an instance of life imitating American Psycho, a woman… GAVE BIRTH TO A BLOCK OF CHEESE. Because my own appetite has just committed suicide 4 lyf, allow me to reprint the article in full:
A pregnant woman rushed to the hospital to give birth shocked doctors and staff when it was revealed that what she had passed off as a fetus for months was in fact a large block of cheese.
Neighbors, assuming that she was in labor, took her to an emergency room where doctors uncovered a sodden and moldy mass of what they later determined to be several bricks of cheddar cheese bound together with twine. “Beyond weird,” remarked the doctor. “I don’t know how one would do it, but it must take an unworldly level of self deception to even conceive of something like this.”
What inspires someone to wrap cheese up in twine and put it in themselves? A makeshift tampy? A new, French ageing technique? Inspiration from an old I Love Lucy episode? It’s stories like this that make one thing “Well, at least she didn’t go into a mall and shoot a bunch of people.”
And while you would think “How much more suffering can vaginas endure?”, let us answer a resounding “Lots more”. (Last chance to click away.) (Really, you’re still reading? Hold up a mirror and say “Someone’s got problems”.)
A Maryland woman was rushed to the hospital after a do-it-yourself sex toy meets powertool fantasy backfired… when the power tool saw SLICED THROUGH THE SEX TOY AND THEN THE WOMAN HERSELF. The woman has since been released from the hospital… and will never, ever, ever enjoy sex again. (via College Candy)
So listen here, Vaginas: Try to stay at home, stay inside, don’t get too wild this week… because yours might be next.