This is a recap for The Top 9 on American Idol Season 8, theme: Birth Year. You can see the performances here.
Danny Gokey “Stand By Me”: Mickey Gilley’s version? What, can we just make up versions now? Because, if that’s the case, allow me to serenade you with Gordy Pinkerton’s rousing rendition of “High Hopes” (rolls out tray of glasses, grabs fork, clankin’ away.) Where was I? Ah yes, The Gokey. If Shrek were white, he would be the ‘Gokes (I won’t even mention what that means for poor Fiona). I’m over his “Yeah-yeah-yeah-in'” shtick, the same way Paul Rudd could no longer handle another Michael McDonald video in 40 Y.O. Virgin. And the judges might wanna grab their scuba tubes next week, because they’re so far up his ass I’m actually worried for their respiratory safety (pun. intended.)
Kris Allen – â€œAll She Wants to Do Is Danceâ€ by Don Henley: Somewhere, a taxi cab is a little lonelier tonight without Kris. OK, not gonna lie, you put 4 trumpets behind anyone, and I’m usually sold. The trumpets… helped. Simon nailed this one: Boring, forgettable, and one thing he forget — super-jaw-unhingey.
Lil Rounds – “What’s Love Got to Do With It”: OK, first of all, how was Lil Rounds born in 1984? Is this some sort of Tyler Perry stunt gone horribly right? The further the competition trudges along, the more Lil Rounds’ cracks begin to show (yes, that was just said.) Her voice is ‘aight, but there’s something about it that makes me want to hot glue pillows on my ears and take a 3 hour dirt nap. She is just constantly yelling ev.er.y.thing. This performance almost made me want to shove a piece of cake in her mouth… to make her stop singing! Damn, relax.
Anoop Desai – “True Colors”: How many of you, like me, wish Anoop’s parents were actually the ones singing? What absolute charmers they are. This song made me miss a Kodak commercial. That’s gotta count for something, right? Liiiiiike a guest spot on House now that Kal Penn is out?
Scott MacIntyre – “The Search Is Over”: Let it be known that I’m actually in Miami for the week, celebrating Jew things. Which means that tonight, I had the pleasure of watching American Idol live in the comfort of my parents’ bedroom. My mother spent the entire 7 minute Scott MacIntyre segment looking at the ceiling. She “can’t look at him.” At one point, I begged her to change her mind, because she was essentially missing one of the most unintentionally awkward/hilarious (pleasedon’tgetmadatme) moments on television. Scott seems like a GREAT guy, really. But if you thought he looked a lil creepy sitting behind a piano, try propping him up in front of an audience holding a guitar that I’m pretty sure was actually a Guitar Hero remote. Oh, and he sang a song he definitely wrote on the bowl. “Why can’t he wear sunglasses?” — Mother. Indeed. America, please have some compassion and Free Scott!
Allison Iraheta – “I Can’t Make You Love Me”: Allison is in my Top 2 faves of the show (to see the other person… scroll to the endam of this postbert). She has the voice of a woman easily 30 years older. Did I say voice? I meant style. And hair. And look. Please, AI, help this girl! When she says she wants to “wear the skirt that feature the knees in the front, anks in the back”, nod your head and then make her look like a teenage tramp! Anyway, she was great tonight.
Matt Giraud – “Part Time Lover”: I like Matt. I do! He’s cute, he’s charming. His lil’ accent in that angel’s costume? Don’t get me stopped. But the jazzy rendition of my favorite tune to put make-up on to? Didn’t really feel it. The notes were everywhere and nowhere at once. Imagine my family’s shock when the judges looooved it. Anyway, would be surprised if he got the boot tomorrow. I’d take him over Kris Allen any day.
Adam Lambert – “Mad World”: So, it seems like now is the time to admit something: My obsession with Adam Lambert is starting to worry me. Fine, I’m not necessarily Googling him by the hour, nor am I standing outside of his window like the child from The Grudge, but I’d definitely pull a Hil-Swank for the opportunity to spoon him on a trailer floor mattress. Watching him perform is quickly becoming the highlight of my entire week. No previous Idol contestant has ever elicited such invisi-jazz-hands from me. Which is why I will actually burn my house down lighting sneakers on fire in my tub Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes-style if he loses. Sure, the slow pacing and mood lighting was reminiscent of his recent “Tracks of My Tears” cover, and guess what? IT F**KING WORKS, AMERICA. Deal with it. Plus, Simon gave him a Standing O — the O, in his case, standing for Orgasm. Simon gave him a standing orgasm. What else needs to be said, really? VOTE LAMBERT.