LOST RECAP: But I Never Shot Any Babies, Smoke Monster!

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The following is a recap of Lost Season 5 Episode 12 entitled “Dead Is Dead”, originally airing April 8, 2009. If you continue reading without having seen the episode, the Smoke Monster will judge that things have been spoiled for you, but you’d already know that.

Lost Minority ReportBENINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

Ben: I came back to the island to be judged, John.

Locke: By whom?

Ben: We don’t have a word for it. But I believe you call it…a jury of twelve polar bears in old timey powdered wigs.

Locke: Wait, really?

Ben: No, Locke, I meant the smoke monster. Derrrr.

Locke: Ben, I’m the last one on the show who hasn’t beaten the sh*t out of you – don’t push it.

Ben finally reveals at least one of his purposes for returning to the island: confronting the smoke monster to receive judgment for breaking the island’s “rules,” specifically for letting Alex die to save himself, as well as violating the island’s no-tolerance sexual harassment policy during Juliet’s first month. Ben and Locke descend underneath the never-before-seen ‘temple’ where the smoke monster originates, and after Locke allows Ben to fall through the ground (in the Latin alphabet, “Jehovah” begins with an “I,” stupid), Ben prepares to accept his smokey fate.

Lost AlexDoc Jensen writes, “I thought he was cruisin’ for a Mr. Eko bruisin’… but then The Monster dissipated and curled back into the bowels of The Island,” but I couldn’t have foreseen any other possible result to the encounter. When the monster has turned on people in the past, it’s really turned on people — it smashed Eko to pieces, tore apart the French scientists, and we know that Ben wasn’t gonna randomly die last night, so of course the monster let him go. It wasn’t just gonna punch him a few times and leave him on the ground and be like “The price is wrong, bitch!” (the monster just caught Happy Gilmore on island TNT like a week ago) and Ben would mutter under his breath “update your references, bitch” and the monster would be like “you talkin’ to me?” and Ben would sigh and say “no, no, I apologize.”

Also, leading up to the judgment, Locke uttered a never-before-spoken sentence in the history of television:

“If everything you’ve done was in the best interest of the island, the monster should understand.”

There was that one Lucy Show where she was trying to do charity work for an island monster, but I don’t think they said this sentence in the same order.

DAMMIT – I JUST BOUGHT AN AUTHENTIC CAESAR JERSEY

Good at getting shotCeasar, I know it’s too late for you now, but a quick lesson: If you deliberately show anything to Ben, he will end up stealing it. You could be like “Hey Ben, check out this expired yogurt” then after the next commercial break you’d go to throw the yogurt away and Ben would be like “not so fast – I possess the yogurt now!” and you’d be like, “you’re just indiscriminately shady, aren’t you? You don’t even have a reason for half this sh*t.” Then he’d throw the yogurt at you and ruin your one pair of pants you have on the island.

Also, I’m glad ABC.com has a sense of humor. Their sponsor for the ABC.com embeddable player? Cesar dog food (seriously):

Lost Cesar

HAA HAA – BEN LOVES BABIES

Ben BleedingA brief Others backstory swung the “who’s a bigger A-hole” pendulum back towards Charles Widmore, as we witnessed Ben with hair refusing to comply with Widmore’s orders to kill baby Alex and her deranged, defenseless mother. Widmore is ultimately overthrown as Others leader, and when Ben declared that he’d be a better leader because he’d “sacrifice anything for the island,” Widmore shot back, “If you’re wrong, and the island does want [Alex] dead, you’ll be standing where I am,” followed by the confusing insult, “I’ll be seeing you, boy” (um, snap?) Perhaps the island did want Alex dead from the getgo, and Ben had violated Jacob’s decree from the getgo, not when he refused to come out of the house and let Alex get shot?

Ben also second-guessed himself while about to shoot Penelope, after seeing baby Charlie and remembering his earlier mercy towards Alex (and the mercy the Others initially showed him as a child). Before Ben can pull the trigger, he is tackled by a thought-to-be-shot Desmond (my friend remarked, “good thing I bought that bulletproof lettuce!”) and, of course, beaten to a bloody pulp. I feel like a canned audience-applause should play whenever Ben gets bloodied, because it’s basically his catchphrase at this point, like whenever Urkel said “did I do that?” or Al Bundy walked onscreen.

LOSTDS AND ENDS

- The Pixies perform the theme song to last night’s “Dead Is Dead” episode:

- Creepiest moment of the episode? Ben asking the new islanders if they needed help with anything. I would’ve immediately said “no thanks” too.

- Most self-aware line of the episode, Locke on his resurrection: “I don’t know how, but I’m sure there’s a very good reason for it. So just keep watching the season and trust the producers, everyone. Cool? Cool.”

- Hair-Ben side by side with an awful-wigged Paul Rubens from the short-lived You Don’t Know Jack game show:

Lost Ben Wig

- Where does the Smoke Monster/Alex’s decree leave Locke? She mentioned that Ben was already planning to re-kill Locke (which we semi-inferred from Ben’s initial surprise at Locke’s resurrection) but he must instead go along with everything that Locke says. Are we to assume that Locke has indeed ascended to his position as the island’s destined leader? Surely Ben won’t end up going along with everything he says, because that would basically get rid of half the conflict on the show? Or will the remaining episodes come down to an ultimate Ben/Widmore showdown, with Locke finally on Ben’s side? Guess we’ll have to watch the rest of this really weird “actually answering questions” show that I believe used to be called Lost.

Episode thoughts, theories, observations, predictions, favorite parts, least favorite parts, flowers for Caesar — leave ‘em all in the comments.

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