American Idol Recap: Natural Born Song Killers

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AMERICAN IDOL GOKEY3.jpgThis is a recap for The Top 7 on American Idol Season 8, theme: Movie Songs. You can see the performances here.

This week, my 8th grade idol and recent “Where is his old face now?” candidate Quentin Tarantino served as this week’s mentor. And, in the great words of Ezekiel 25:17/Jules Winnfield: “Blessed is he (Quentin) who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak (AI contestants) through the valley of darkness (criticism), for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children (tweens). And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers (Classic, beloved songs). And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee (Angry ranting blog post, see below).

Let’s get started.

Allison Iraheta – “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith. You would think that what with Quentin Tarantino being at the helm of things, the contestants would have gone out of their way to choose awesome, kick ass soundtrack songs to blow away America with. You would be wrong. (Not a single James Bond theme?? WTF is wrong with these people?) And perhaps no musical example hits the barf-lex quite like this tune from the 1998 smash hit (get it?) Armageddon. This song haunted my senior year of high school sandwiched in between “Still the One” and Fastball’s “The Way”. My hatred for it was soon bolstered when I found out a particularly disliked manager at my summer retail job danced to this very song at her wedding. So why did Allison have to go and do this? The orchestra was a nice touch tonight, and we’re happy to see the mullet making a return. But even Allison’s great voice could not save the suffocatingly maple syrup in the ears quality of the theme song to a movie about a rock hitting Earf. RATING 5/10

AMERICAN IDOL GOKEY2.jpgAnoop Desai – “Everything I Do” by Bryan Adams. Ah, finally a song I can sink my feet into like a shag carpet full of birth control pills. Quentin’s touretty “Lie for you; die for you” was, for me, the equivalent to the ear slicing scene in Rezzy Dogs. Anoop’s Bartokomous jacket notwithstanding, and his facial weird sex face put aside for just a momesies, Anoop sang the song beautifully. RATING 8/10

Adam Lambert – “Born to be Wild” by Steppenwolf. OMG, him and Quentin have chemistry you guys!! Q “enjoyed the taste.” Wouldn’t we all. And there’s lightning!!! Lambert is queening out in an electric rainstorm on Planet Unicorn, holy ess. Now, my love for Lambert is pretty off the charts, but for a moment I wondered if this was the song sung during the headbanging scene during Ace Ventura. Not my favorite song in the universe, certainly, but judging by the audience response (passed out mothers, tween brains spilling into the aisles, Paula shooting out of her seat like a firework held by a drunk Brazilian on New Year’s) he certainly got the crowd riled up. So, it pains me to do this, but given that he turned the chorus into an out of tune racist Chinese melody, he’s left me no choice. RATING 7/10 (Ed. Note: If he would have sang Goldfinger/Diamonds Are Forever, this would have been a 10/10.)

AMERICAN IDOL GOKEY4.jpgMatt Giraud – “To Really Love a Woman” by Bryan Adams. Hmm, another Bryan Adams song, eh? Fine. by. me. Matty missed a couple of notes here and there, but it was definitely better than last week’s “Part-Time Lover” nonsense. That is… until suddenly, puberty hit the poor boy, and his voice was crackin’ left and right. And then, he lost me. (Side note, was one of Matt’s friends Luke Wilson? Me-Ow. Seriously, I am in pain.) RATING 4/10

Danny Gokey – “Endless Love” by Diana Ross. Seeing D-Gokez without his glasses on is an oddity. I half expected his eyes to actually be little black dots a la Milhouse Van Houten. There were points where I actually worried that he wouldn’t be able to read the teleprompter, until I realized no such thing existed. Tonight’s performance would have been greatly improved had this entire performance been lip synced by the fat ice rink employee in Happy Gilmore. Alas, this is not the case. In typical Gokey fashion, we wanted to slip him a Correctol halfway through just to get his pipes cleared. He is musical Ambien. RATING 6/10

AMERICAN IDOL GOKEY.jpgKris Allen – “Falling Slowly” Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova. We’re loving how supportive Quentin is through all of this. Aw, little baby left his guitar at home. And he is clinging to that microphone like a security blanket on his first day of Kindygarden. I never saw Once, but I can honestly say with full conviction that even if I knew what this song was supposed to sound like, I would still hate Kris’ version. Because he is boring, and not a good singer, and slack jawed. Kara seriously huffed some keyboard cleaner pre show, right? RATING 2/10 (Yes, 2!)

Lil Rounds – “The Rose” by Bette Midler. Oh hell yes. If I had to name my two favorite things on Planet Earth, it would probably be Bette Midler and Gospel (with Swiffer Wetjets coming in a close third.) Lil was, to borrow from Randy, a little pitchy, but honestly I found her performance one of the more enjoyable ones of the evening, and am guessing that the fully produced version available this week on Itunes will sound hella good. I’m not even a Lil fan, but she’s as much an artist as Danny Rereface Gokey and certainly Kris and Anoop, so Simon’s criticisms are a little harsh, no? RATING 7/10

Let’s be honest… the whole show kind of sucked. What’d you think of the episode?